A Lesson in Self-Love Brought to me by my Undies

Don’t Judge, Observe

You know you’ve gained weight when you feel an elastic thread in your undies go ZING like a weld in a submarine submerged in waters too deep.

It reminds me of the time when, as a young college freshman, I gained the predictable “freshman five”. Or was it “freshman fifteen”? I was standing near the piano in a church service, playing guitar, when I felt the button on my skirt become a flying projectile when I leaned over to see the guitar chords. Thankfully, no one was in its path because the velocity with which the button flew was impressive. I will never know if it made a whistling sound cutting through the air, as the music volume rose in crescendo.

How the zipper held fast, I suppose, could be counted as a miracle. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I can’t remember the last time I dressed up, but the feeling remains the same. UGH. I gained weight.

There’s no college cafeteria to blame this time. Like blame is helpful.

But being the human I am, I want to outsource my responsibility for the weight gain.

It’s true. Blame the estrogen blocker. Blame the after effects of chemo. Blame the lack of Zumba because my joints hurt too much. Blame the dryer on shrinking said undies.

Blame the…ugh, how about the junk food I have been eating?

And this is where I must do a full stop.

Blame never, ever, EVER is helpful. Even if there is factual truth. (Ahem, junk food.)

I try to steer clear of using “never” or “always” statements because those are often problematic. But I feel I can use one here.

Blame is never helpful.

Instead, look and observe. Leave the judgement, finger pointing and blame shifting at the door.

Here’s how that translates:

Me, in judgment/blame mode, grieving the elastic failure in my undies:

Damnit! I’ve gained weight. It’s those fucking Cheese Puffs! You’re such a cow! (Insert more angry and frustrated rants about my many failings as a person. Spiral down into more self-condemnation.) If only….blah, blah, blah. It’s the Letrozole! (I conveniently overlook the new daily junk food indulgences.)

Me, in observer mode, regarding the aforementioned elastic failure:

The undies have given up the ghost. They are too small. I have gained weight. My health is important and I will commit to losing the weight with self-love and compassion. I have been through a lot of trauma this past year (another observation) and it is okay. I will make better diet choices doing what I have successfully done in the past.

There. Doesn’t that second scenario sound more empowering?

The first scenario almost certainly involves an ending with a package of Oreos and self-disgust.

The second, acceptance, grace and empowerment. Even if I DON’T lose the weight.

Removing the judgment from the things we tell ourselves is powerful. More often than not, there are stories we attach to our observations.

It’s the difference between observing without judgment, versus observing and adding a narrative.

If someone is rude, they are clearly an asshole. Inattentive driver pausing too long when the light turns green, they, too, are clearly an asshole. I trip over a sidewalk, (after looking around to make sure no one saw me,) I curse the asshole city that CLEARLY doesn’t care about my safety while walking on their sidewalks.

These judgements flash through my mind quicker than that damn weaponized button.

Slowing down the thought process and jettisoning the judgement makes for a lot more peace.

The rude person said something rude. The inattentive driver was inattentive. The sidewalk has a crack.

Not. A. Big. Fucking. Deal.

I don’t even have to put a “positive spin” on these events. They were just events. I don’t have to put precious emotional energy into these things at all.

My ego is always on the prowl to blame and assert my superiority.

Sometimes I am the rude one. The inattentive driver. The one who trips (because I was playing on my phone instead of paying attention).

That too is Not. A. Big. Fucking. Deal.

It doesn’t help to judge myself. I am a human. I screw up.

Observe, yes.

Choose to make healthful and helpful decisions when there is an outcome that is not working-absolutely yes!

As I give grace to myself, it makes it easier to give grace to others. It’s not the other way around, as it is written in the Gospel of Codependency.

All this pontification aside, I must now decide. Do I go get me some roomy granny undies? Or not?

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to contribute to my underwear cause, feel free to leave a tip here.