Did Gratitude Blind Me to a Dying Marriage?

Recognizing the Fine Line Between Appreciation and Denial

As I approach my 3rd Unniversary, I once again revisit the post-mortem on my 32-year marriage. I suspect this will be something to unpack the rest of my days, along with the other many ways I bewilder myself. (Those would be the “why the hell did I do that” questions that come almost daily.)

But pondering why the hell I had that extra cup of coffee, knowing it would push me into jitter-land, puzzles me on a different level than the what happened to my marriage, musing. Yeah, I truly perplex and annoy myself with the hotbed of contradictions that is yours truly. I am confident… I often feel insecure. I am an encourager… I am a critic. I do what I shouldn’t do, and don’t do what I should do.

But what about my long-time practice of gratitude? What’s the inverse of that? I suppose entitlement could fill this bill even though I endeavor to keep expectations with open hands.

I am reminded of something my old psych/coaching professor said once. Even a strength can become a liability if not regulated, was the gist of it. I could easily relate to it because I can see my administrative talents can morph into control freak mode if I’m not mindful.

How on earth can too much gratitude be bad, though? Is the greatest risk becoming that indomitable but annoying Pollyanna character who sees the good in everything?

Nope. I think the consequences of being a slap happy gratitude goddess are far more troubling. Why? A couple of reasons come to mind.

1. We diminish our needs when we grin and bear it through difficulties and suppress the grief by telling ourselves, “Just be grateful it’s not worse.”

2. Gratitude is no replacement for the times when we should put our foot down and demand change.

I believe these are the two main reasons why I clung to my marriage long after it died. Especially after infidelity. Here’s what that looked like for me.

But it Can Always Be Worse!

Gratitude is a double-edge sword. It brings beneficial dividends both individually and as a couple by fostering appreciation and building connection.

But when it shifts into obligation and words of thanks are offered through gritted teeth, it can become a stumbling block. But sadly, our culture loves toxic positivity, so great is our discomfort with pain. We can’t bear to look at it, choosing instead to avoid (amnesia) or numb (anesthesia).

Just look at what you see on social media, for example. Someone mentions they are struggling in an abusive job situation and then… wait for it… wait for it… “You should be thankful you have a job, you dweeb.”

We get so used to it we do this to ourselves without realizing it by minimizing difficulties when shit happens. I saw this on infidelity forums where women would share how their emotional devastation was minimized. Like these women, I would say things like, “it could have been so much worse.” (Especially after hearing someone else’s story that involved sex addiction or discovering their spouse fathered other children unbeknownst to them.)

At least it was just emotional. There was no sex. She rejected his further advances.

Then after the whole-enchilada affair, I would tell myself at least he broke it off. It was only five months. He’s a good man who did a bad thing. I know his heart… blah blah blah.

This did nothing to assuage or address the unspeakable pain. But yet I know that repression was also self-protective. But it also came a great physical cost-massive fibromyalgia flares and IBS that only added to my misery.

When you are reeling with trauma, you get a free pass from finding the silver lining. Don’t bypass the important work of learning to sit with the uncomfortable emotions like anger and loss.

Quit Giving Thanks and Take Action

Gratitude is a power tool for healing for sure, but it’s also not a replacement for looking into the beady eyes of trauma and acknowledging reality or we will remain stuck in misery. Nor is gratitude a way to leap-frog over the deep emotional work that must be done.

I have learned the hard way that telling someone to “count their blessings” or “look on the bright side” is usually not helpful. It’s like watching someone bleeding to death and telling them that at least they’re staining that nice, expensive white carpet.

Turn in your gratitude cop badge and think before you speak. This especially applies to your self-talk.

Faux gratitude can keep us stuck in a terrible situation instead of appropriately raising holy hell. It can also be used to manipulate by those with a power interest. Sadly, religious circles more often than not dismiss men’s misbehaviors while admonishing the women to honor their husband and forgive. (Check out the Roys Report for a glimpse into what I’m talking about.)

This is such a staggeringly large, steaming pile of bovine scatology that it still gob smacks me every time I hear another story.

Ladies, if you are in a marriage where you are being abused, disrespected, cheated on or lied to, it is time to take action. And if anyone tells you to “hang in there” and be a good wife, I encourage you to tell them to fuck off. It is an appropriate response when sacred boundaries are violated or trust has been shattered.

Because of my history in codependency, I often have to step outside myself and pretend I am offering wisdom and encouragement to a loved one. For example, if I saw my daughter or my best friend being regularly mistreated, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell them this is their cross to bear and to be strong and practice gratitude. (As a much younger and more naïve Theresa would have done.)

This can go hand-in-hand with “keeping the faith” when a partner is clearly checked out of the relationship. Shifting the focus of faith from some imagined future fantasy to faith in your ability to take action and change things is a better use of your energy.

Gratitude is Not a Cure-all

It’s tricky to discern the difference between gratitude and avoidance sometimes. This is where a good friend can help reflect the unvarnished reality, not some fluffy version of denial that is keeping you stuck. Surprise! That friend likely has already observed the patterns keeping you stuck.

Certified life coaches and spiritual directors are also beneficial. And then there are times and situations where a skilled therapist is needed.

Gratitude shouldn’t be at the cost of your self-respect. You can still recognize the good in a partner while also understanding the relationship has ended. Talk about a conflict of emotions!

Accepting the glass IS half-empty can allow for clarity and bring authentic gratitude for the lessons learned.

Shifting your focus to self-compassion and finding the courage to make hard choices allows us to step into gratitude for self as well. This is not selfish. It’s healthful and key to a vibrant life.

What About You?

My (almost!) daily gratitude practice continues to play a vital role in emotional healing but also in learning to live the life of love and grace I so endeavor.

As you ponder your situation, prioritize self-respect and honor the gift of the one and precious life you’ve received. This is your birthright. Own it!

Now, there’s a reason for gratitude!

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