How to Change When You Know You Should

But the mere thought of thinking about it is exhausting

It seems to be a cruel joke. I’m referring to the time when you are in emotional pain and life is just one exhausting step after another exhausting step. You KNOW things gotta change, but you’re just too damn tired. Not to mention stepping toward the unknown rattles us down to our security-driven core. Better the devil you know than the unknown one, yes?

Man alive, do I get it! I can look back upon my life and see so many instances where I dug my heels in, to my peril, in resisting change.

Recently, it was my marriage. I knew things were taking on water long before I filed for divorce. I knew divorce would be a terrifying & anguish-filled path. I spent most of my adult life married to a man I considered my best friend, so the thought of being single again opened up many dark imaginings.

Most of us know when it’s time for a change. A relationship that isn’t working. A medical diagnosis that requires a different lifestyle. An unhappy job that is affecting your health. Feel free to add in your own stagnant area. 😉

You KNOW something’s gotta give! But we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves not changing is “safe” because you know what to expect. There’s nothing safe about staying in an untenable situation. It’s not safe. It’s familiar. Be mindful of this distinction.

Change comes in two ways. First, something happens outside of you. And it’s usually in the “shit storm” category. You lose a job. A loved one dies. Your spouse refuses to address the gambling habit that has wiped out your retirement savings.

The other way changes happen is internal. We recognize the need to change and take action. We move from the passenger seat into the driver’s.

But what do you do when you recognize the need but you’re too damn emotionally tired? The irony here, of course, is part of the fatigue, if not the lion’s share of it, is because of a refusal to change!

It’s like saying you’re tired of burning but it takes, UGH, sooooooo much effort to remove your hand from the flame.

Let’s be real honest here. What we really want is relief. Not change.

And it’s really easy to embrace victimhood instead of stepping into our agency and saying ENOUGH!

Often, it isn’t until the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain to change.

Let’s talk about how to whittle this elephant down into bite-sized pieces.

First, get clear on the root cause of your exhaustion. You likely already know. It’s just too scary to acknowledge it.

This was a HUGE thing for me when I left organized religion. I knew in my heart of hearts that it wasn’t working for me anymore. But to acknowledge that was to face dismantling an entire world and identity I had carefully cultivated.

Ditto for recognizing the state of my marriage. But instead of admitting this painful truth, I developed so many physical symptoms. From a resurgence of fibromyalgia to IBS, I felt miserable much of the time. Anxiety and depression were my constant companions. My body was trying to get my attention. I believe the stress also in part contributed to developing breast cancer.

If your issues seem muddled together and you can’t see the root cause, journal, talk to a friend or a therapist.

Next, visualize what your life looks like after you’ve implemented the change. This cannot be understated! The more specific you can be in visualizing, the better.

How will this change reward you?

A healthier body? More energy because you’re not trying to fix another person? More confidence? A new career that energizes you and pays better?

Visualization is first step I do with either organizing or coaching clients. How do you want this space to look like? What will it feel like when you walk into this transformed space? Where to you feel stuck in your life? What will your life look like if you take steps to get unstuck?

Still with me? Great!

Then we set the intention and break the goals down into smaller steps.

If you need to lose a lot of weight, make your first goal to lose five pounds.

If you want to do a job change, start by exploring other opportunities while you’re on your lunch break.

Relationship issues? Take a deep breath. Identify the pain points. Be specific.

Maybe your kitchen is a cluttered mess that makes meal prep impossible. Start with one drawer. Or one counter. If one counter is too overwhelming, start with a corner of the counter.

By breaking things down into small, doable steps, we build success and success brings more success!

Self-care is critical. Be kind to yourself. No beating yourself up for what you see as failures. What may look like a failure is merely an invitation to try something different. Thing feedback versus failure.

Seek support from others. Let them know what the struggle is and ask for occasional encouragement. Who knows, maybe they’ll even come over and offer practical help.

Celebrate your victories along the way. Buy yourself a cup of your favorite overpriced coffee drink. Text a picture of your accomplishment to a friend to celebrate together.

Finally, expect that there will be setbacks and monkey wrenches. I put this stuff under the “shit happens” file.

No, it doesn’t mean the Universe is out to get you. Nor is it affirming that “nothing ever goes right”. That’s the voice of your inner critic.

Car tires get flat, people get sick and billing errors happen.

Look at these things as an opportunity to strengthen your resolve.

I know, I know. It’s challenging. It’s hard. It even sucks at times.

But I can think of something even more challenging, hard and sucky: Not changing.

I can almost promise you this. If you don’t take action on what you know you need to do, there will be day of reckoning. Your mental health will crumble. Your physical health may be affected. The partner you’re hoping will change doubles down on the unacceptable behavior. The boss tells you about a mandatory pay freeze. And so on.

But you knew this already, didn’t you?

Change is hard people. But you can do it!

What is your biggest obstacle in implemented the needed change?

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.