How COULD they?!
I knew it was going to be bad when my prospective client met me at the door and pointed to a crowded porch. “We’ll sit out there,” she said. Her cat pawed at the sliding door after she slipped out, taking care to keep the curtain closed.
She was adorable: diminutive, spry and a quick smile. I could tell that if she hired me, I would have to keep her on track as she was chatty too. Chatty is fine but when a client is paying me money, I want to make sure we get tangible results.
After the initial chitchat, I got right down to business. “Let’s take a look and see what you’ve got going on.”
Her gaze dropped. “It’s bad,” she said simply. “I’m so mad at myself,” she added.
What I saw next is the part where people say, “HOW COULD THEY?!” How could they live like that? How could they… (insert your favorite judgmental comment here). Hey, don’t be shy. I’m a gold medalist in the judging event, most of us are. UNLESS….
Unless we listen to one another and hear our stories. And this is what I do when I walk into the mess that was facing me. So I will ask a client, “okay, tell me your story.”
She began telling me her story. She wasn’t always this way. She is furious at herself and embarrassed at the state of her home.
She was living in a rental home and the landlord never caulked the tub, rendering it useless. So it was used for storage. The counters were filled with groceries because she couldn’t reach the cabinets and with two bad knees, a stool isn’t safe. The empty boxes were piled up neatly in the middle of the small kitchen area. Observing the difficulty she had walking, I didn’t have to guess about why it hadn’t been taken out to the dumpster.
Then she showed me a picture of her husband, deceased 30 years prior. With tears welling in her eyes, she told me about how she knew she should move on.
This woman loved making crafts for people as a way of bringing joy to others. She was intelligent, thoughtful and loves deeply. And she was in a tremendous amount of pain-both physical and emotional.
When we free ourselves of the urge to judge others and listen to their stories, something beautiful happens. We begin to understand that the irrational things we see others do….we ourselves would be doing the same.damn.thing. if we were in the same situation and had experienced the experiences they have had.
This allows something most of us are STARVED for and that is this: Connection.
Another beautiful thing begins to happen when we listen instead of judge. I learn to love myself more for all the stupid things, the inconsistent things, the mean things, that I continue to do, even though I don’t want to!
When someone reaches out to you and risks showing you their clutter or, to put it more bluntly, their shit, be aware of the courage they took by being vulnerable. Risk showing some of your shit back to them. It might not look like their clutter but it’s there. Connect.
While I like to think all the world’s problems could be solved with a dumpster, that would be naïve. Yes, pitching shit is important. But the magic happens when we listen to one another and honor each others’ stories.
The next time you find yourself saying (or thinking) with great indignation, “How could they!” please use that as an invitation to look within yourself and allow love and compassion to replace the judgement.
