How I Survived Infidelity, Divorce and Breast Cancer

It looks a lot like death and dying

I am such an overachiever. Too bad the category in which I overachieved is heart break. If the Homes and Rahe Stress Scale was an Olympic sport, I’d be a gold medalist. But it would be a shitty sport because there are only shitty rewards. Like the 50/50 chance of developing an illness if you score 150 or more. Those who get more than 300 points are given a 90% of developing an illness or having an accident. I’ll spell it out as I go down the list from most stressful to less stressful:

· Divorce 73

· Marital separation 65

· Major personal injury or illness 65

· Major change in financial state 38

· Death of a close friend 37

· Major change in living situation 25

· Change in residence or schools 20

Annnnnd the drumroll please! 323 points. And that is just a very basic quick look. If I were to number the months for each of these events, my score would be much, much higher. Nor did I include many other issues over the past 5 years. If I go back 10 years, eh. Not going to go there.

How the hell did I survive? Bird by bird, to quote Anne Lamont. In other words, baby steps. These steps aren’t sequential either. It’s similar to the 5 stages of death and dying identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. And there is a LOT of overlap with the stages to death and dying because these stressful situations include loss.

The stages of death and dying are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Using this framework, I’ll outline how it applied to surviving what felt like a relentless pummeling of my heart and soul.

First: Denial. Oh, the denial was strong with this one. He’s just going through a funk right now. Things are going to be okay. Biopsy? Ha! Most results are benign. Maybe insert a Scripture verse too. Hang on to magical thinking and repeat your affirmations hourly.

And when the seriousness of the situation is staring you down with a hairy eye ball, you may double down on the feeble words that you know in your heart are not true. Denial provides a brief respite from the horror of the reality but will only deepen and complicate the situation if you stay there.

This is why healing requires acknowledging the trauma and the leg sweep to your well-being. You must be brave and face it head on.

I had trouble admitting my marriage was in grave danger. If I just read another book, continue in therapy and all is well, it will just go away. Right.

The infidelity and later breast cancer diagnosis leapfrogged over the denial stage right into anger or depression. At least initially. I was too gob-smacked and terrified to make like an ostrich and bury my head in the sand. (Fact check: Ostriches really don’t stick their heads in the sand out of fear. They bolt.)

Anger. This was a tough one for me because of my religious fundamental background. Getting angry is concerned a sin in some circles. Anger is bad, bad, bad. And God forbid if a woman gets angry… she clearly has a “Jezebel spirit.”

Anger is an appropriate and healthy response for when your boundaries have been violated. Learning how to embrace the anger and not let it consume you is an on-going practice.

My daily practice of meditation and exercise are hugely helpful. Nothing like burning off anger with a good sweat. Therapy, spiritual direction, and on-going learning are other bedrock

The anger has diminished but the early days were hard as I looked at the toll it took on me. There were so many consequences I had to deal with to my was-bands behavior.

Honestly, the anger from the betrayal eclipsed the trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis. The diagnosis was terrifying but didn’t really manifest as anger.

Bargaining. Ah! Nothing like the illusion of control. If only I had… Maybe if I do this it will all go away… Or in the breast cancer world, this may trigger obsession over diet. If I just “eat clean” it will heal the tumor. Others may embrace alternative treatments, many of which are pure snake oil. The bargaining can get quite costly as

Newsflash: Breast cancer is a rude asshole and doesn’t care about your yoga practice, kale smoothies, and positive affirmations. Not that those tools should be cast aside. They can certainly support your health while going through treatment. But it is not a substitute for effective, science-based treatment.

Depression. Winston Churchill referred to his melancholic moods as a black dog. But a tail wagging black lab would have been welcomed compared to the depths of despair I experienced.

I suspect it’s standard operating procedure for oncologists to offer a prescription for an anti-anxiety/depression meds to newly diagnosed cancer patients. Mine did and I eagerly accepted the help. Especially since I was still in acute pain over the divorce.

Between medication, therapy, and devotion to any homework my therapist gave me, the depression gradually lifted.

I also had to address the shame of admitting to depression. Again, I hearken back to my evangelical days where mental health issues such as depression and anxiety were regarded as a result of ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ and/or a moral failing and inability to trust God.

What a pile of ignorant bullshit.

Depression is still there but it is no longer my predominant state of being. And when I feel its tentacles rise up, I have learned to treat it with compassion and remind myself that feelings are transient.

Acceptance. Hello, peace. And I’m not talking about willful ignorance and denial. True acceptance accepts things as they are. Not as you wish them to be. Rumi’s poem, continues to buoy my spirits when I’m resisting what is.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I was betrayed. I am divorced. I am a breast cancer survivor. I accept these things.

I am also a paradox of strength and fragility, light and shadow. I am scared and I am brave.

It is part of the human experience and it all belongs.

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