I Finished Chemo Successfully But Almost Immediately Started Criticizing Myself
It’s official! I finished my last chemo session yesterday. I’m in the honeymoon phase of side effects since I have one more day of steroids. Then I have my anti-barf, anti-burp, and anti-diarrhea pills all lined up on my counter. Because I’m an organizer, I have them numbered at the top of the lids to keep track of what I can take next. Then I record time and dose in a notebook-throwback to nursing days.
I know the storm clouds will roll in by day three and I’m ready as I’m ever going to be.
Not gonna lie. Yesterday was a long-ass day. Things didn’t run as smoothly as the last treatment. The cooling machine wasn’t precooled, so that added another 45 minutes on top of the usual 30. There was a delay in getting the chemo order from the NP as well. And then the machine kept beeping frequently due to air getting in the line. That doubled the infusion time.
Mayo is second to none in a well-run medical facility, but hey-things still happen. I am still blown away that my pre-chemo blood test results pinged my phone 15 minutes after it the draw. (All green lights to finish chemo. Blood work was great.)
And then there was the cooling cap. Mentally, I really struggled with it. I keep looking at the countdown timer near the end. 18 minutes. Pause and wait…I will not stare at the timer…A watched pot never boils…16 minutes. So much for patient waiting.
Close enough to assemble Chemo Kit for our return though. Having busy hands helps with waiting.
Finally. It’s over. But then what’s this?!
The amazing nurses assemble in my cubicle. They’re making cheery noises and presented me with a certificate commemorating my therapy completion.
I jumped up for the picture. These nurses took outstanding care of me. And they know their business. I could not have been in better hands. What you don’t see is all the support staff. The hospital chaplain, Carolyn, or the smiling volunteers offering warm blankets. (Yes, please, I’ll take two!) The people at the front desk. The Medical assistant who takes your vitals.
Everyone deserves a medal for their service.
But back to my story…
Such a celebratory moment! Until I saw the picture. UGH.
I look so fat. The double chin. The flannel Teletubbie look. And sweet baby Jesus, check out that hair. (Never mind that the ice is thawing out from the cold cap.)
I’ve been working on self-love for a loooooong time, so it shocked me to have such a visceral reaction to, well, my viscera.
I would never say such cruel things to a woman going through what I’ve gone through these past several months.
Chemo and steroids and reduced gym reduced trips contributed to a 20 pound weight gain. But I’ve also been eating comfort foods, in abundance, I might add.
A little back story. About 4 years ago, I had a Come-to-Jesus meeting at my health check-up. I clocked in at well over 200 pounds, but what really distressed me was my consistently elevated blood pressure and creeping blood sugar. This was despite my fitness habits.
I also knew my stress level was on constant DEFCON 4 with my crumbling marriage and this, too, was working against my efforts.
I decided it was time to start loving my body. Literally speaking words of kindness to it. Thanking my round, soft belly for allowing three babies to grow inside of me. Apologizing to it for all the negative things I’ve spoken to it through the years. (No small thanks to media and marketing for tell us all what a bunch of fat/old losers we are if we don’t buy their product.)
I joined WW and coupled with my shift in self-talk; I lost 50 pounds over the course of a year and have maintained it and felt great.
Until cancer treatment.
SO much for my Zen Theresa state. Here, on one of the most momentous of occasions in my life, those old scripts resurface in a nanosecond.
The shame rolled right in. Fortunately, I have tools to give a big middle finger to shame through the loving support of my pink sisters on FB. And because of the inner work I’ve done, I just need to get back on my bike of self-love and affirmation. Once you know how to ride it…you know how to ride.
No positive, sustainable changes can happen when it is driven by shame. I am convinced of this.
This is what I sound like when I feel empowered:
You are a badass Theresa. Look at what you’ve been through and you are STILL here. You beat cancer. So, you put on a few pounds. Big fucking deal. You’ve lost it before, and you will lose it again and be the healthiest version of yourself with NO CANCER. I will lovingly recommit to my health and plan on spending many years celebrating a happy life with my partner, Tom.
Theresa Winn is a certified life coach and spiritual director. She has a one of kind double chin, a tummy that jiggles like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and a body FREE OF CANCER. Find her at www.theresalode.com or consider buying me a coffee. (Just a splash of cream, no sugar! 😉 )