If God Really Hates Divorce, I Am Screwed

At least I’m in good company

Never, ever, EVER in a million years did I think I would write about divorce from the been-there-done-that perspective. When we said “I do”, we were steadfast in our conviction: Divorce is not an option. Like NEVER. You work it out. Persist. We will never divorce, our 24-year-old selves said.

Let’s throw in an important Bible verse that underpins this foundational belief for those in the Christian realm, shall we?

“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. Malachi 2:16 (NLT)

Well, there’s something to hang your hat on, right? God hates divorce. Do you suppose God also hates kale and pokey people in checkout lanes? But I digress.

If the Almighty hates divorce, I am screwed. But given divorce rates of 50–60%, I am in good company. Certainly, the ledger God’s keeping is deeply in the red.

End of story. Next question, please.

Or is it? I read the verses around the hate declaration.

15 Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”

Woah. That certainly adds some shading to a black and white statement. It sounds like God’s concern is for the vulnerable, especially during an era when women and children were little more than chattel.

I can relate to the rest of this passage. Yeah. I’ve felt overwhelmed with cruelty. I know my wasband didn’t set out to intentionally inflict cruelty upon me with his infidelity. But I was the recipient of the collateral damage from his actions.

And the admonition to not be unfaithful to your wife certainly packs a punch too. At least it does for me. For those who wander outside the bounds of their marriage, I suspect any sting of guilt here gets silenced by the euphoria of having a shiny new lover. I’m not just reflecting on my own experience here.

Most recently, another big pillar of the Christian community has fallen from grace. (*Cough, cough, * Mike Bickle.)

I mean seriously. What the hell is going on here? The community that espouses family values and fidelity for life has a lot of hanky panky happening.

If God hates divorce, then divorce is never an option. Hell, the pastor who married us delivered a sermon entitled “Never-Never.” One of those Never-Nevers was to “never mention the d word.”

Unhappy in your marriage? Tough noogies. You made a vow, now suck it up, buttercup. Sorry about the emotional or physical abuse, wifey, but hey, God hates divorce.

Is there only one party interested in healing a marriage gone bad? Well now, that is a cross to bear, isn’t it? Maybe one day he’ll come around, so just keep the faith. And your therapy appointments too, cuz you’re going to need them.

Just scratching the surface on this, I have two thoughts.

It is this black and white thinking that disallows honest communication. You must not admit the growing unhappiness because it may threaten the status quo of your tidy paradigm. It’s just too upsetting.

And another thing on this black and white thing. Is it really divorce that the Almighty hates? I think not. I think the rest of the verse highlights it is the fallout from a divorce that God grieves over. (Notice I didn’t say “hate”.)

Black and white thinking requires no work on our part. No nuance to understand. No growth required. Stick your fingers in your ears and repeat after me: la, la, LA, I can’t HEAR you!

Black and white thinking is helpful for children, and for good reason. There is comfort and security when boundaries and expectations are clear. No, you can’t play in the traffic, Johnny.

But when religious systems cultivate blind obedience to rules, it creates a culture of compliance and fear. It’s about dos and don’ts and then hiding the don’ts when we do them. And we get pretty clever hiding shit.

With divorce, we need to understand there are often complex and multifaceted issues. Rather than promoting an absolutist stance on divorce, it’s time for empathy and understanding towards those in an untenable marriage.

Letter of the law versus grace, me thinks.

And then the letter of the law dynamic kicks in. The more we are told not to do something, the more compelled we want to do that very thing. (Or is it just me? I can’t resist placing a rebellious finger on whatever has a “Don’t touch” sign.)

Self, meet shadow.

This is where our inner 3-year-old hangs out. She’s tired, needs a nap, and dammit, she wants that cookie! In Freudian language, this would be the Id. In the Christian parlance, this is our sin nature.

The shadow is where naughty impulses and impure thoughts are kept under lock and key. Shame is the gatekeeper in this prison. And we ignore this to our own peril.

Who me?! I could NEEEEEVAH have an affair.

It’s easy to speak these things when we observe someone else in a downfall. And we feel morally superior too.

Still don’t see it? Try this on for size. Would you be okay if your every thought was broadcast on a large screen for the world to see?

If you do that little exercise in a group, uncomfortable smiles and giggles break out.

We are all capable of inflicting damage because we are all light AND shadow.

I do not believe this is “evil” or our sin nature. It’s a part of our human experience. Part of a healthy religion is to help us understand these parts so we can bring healing and love to them.

Our fears abound in the shadow, and we repeat the fearful narratives in an echo chamber, empowering them even more. We must self-protect, trust no one! And for fuck sakes, NEVER discuss these things!

So, we just stuff down and deny these parts.

And this works until it doesn’t work. The burden of our dark secrets eventually becomes too much and pops to the surface, like a released submerged beach ball.

This is when we reach for non-working strategies to cope with the growing threat of shadow breaking through. We go shopping, crack open a bottle of merlot (that was my go-to), get a migraine, or… entertain thoughts of another woman.

Nothing like a sweet little fantasy world to escape the painful realities.

I believe this is part of the dynamic that causes a spouse to stray. They are unhappy in the marriage, but divorce is taboo, so they begin reflecting on their unlived life. The path not taken.

And of course, that path not taken looks a lot rosier than the present reality.

Perhaps some curiosity arises. What am I missing out on?

And then what a coinkydink! Opportunity comes calling. Oh, what a cutie! She seems to really understand me, too. I think she likes me too.

And now, not only has the unthinkable been given a good think, it’s been acted upon.

I came face to face with his shadow. The beach ball had sprung up in the most spectacular of fashions, water erupting everywhere.

Who is this man? I’m sure the wives of fallen Christian leaders have asked the same question.

He is a man who was overtaken by his shadow, that’s who.

And here’s the thing about these behaviors. When someone is on a mission to quell their pain via forbidden fruit, there is no regard for those it will harm. It’s not even on their radar.

There is one objective: I am in pain and this feels really good right now. (Never mind the vast majority of affair relationships never last.)

After years of being a responsible husband and father, it’s time for some adventure, the shadow urges. And the more we deny and repress our shadow and its urges, the more opportunity for it to come rip roaring, guns ablaze, on the scene when the cost of repression becomes too great.

Aaaaand, the damage is done. My marriage is over. It took me months of hem-hawing to realize this and take action.

So now what? What do you do when you feel like your life-your heart-your very being-has been put through a wood chipper?

This is what I discuss in my next article.

For you dear one, one who is reeling from infidelity or contemplating divorce, I extend grace and love to you. This is hard shit. (Seriously, breast cancer was a walk in the park compared to this!)

If you are in the God hates divorce paradigm, I hope this can be a foundational step in healing to realize that IT IS OKAY. God doesn’t hate divorce. He doesn’t hate you and you are not a failure.

I also hope you can challenge your black and white thinking. This takes great courage, but your beleaguered self will sense the relief.

And above all, remember you are loved.

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.