Just Be Nice: A Beginner’s Guide to Codependence

It’s Time to Just Say No to Nice

When Did Nice Become a Virtue?

Just be nice. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Nice girls do/don’t blah, blah, blah.

You probably grew up hearing those words, too.

Nice, nice, nice.

It’s more than an adjective defining someone or something as polite and agreeable. In today’s culture, “nice” is considered a virtue, but only for women. I.e., “nice” girls don’t wear immodest clothing. “Nice” girls don’t show anger and should never, ever, raise their voice.

There’s a different standard for men, though. Nice is irreconcilable with the strong male leadership archetype worshipped in today’s western culture. Nice doesn’t win wars or make for robust profits now, does it? Those wimpy nice guys need to go get a good ass kicking from Tony Robbins! (Wrapped up in lessons on How to Build Your Money Machine! You might want to up your limit on the credit card before you enroll.)

Oh, but there I go again. Not being very nice.

Perhaps it’s my post-menopausal status or my recent history with breast cancer that has me re-evaluating so many of the attributes I once held as gospel. Or maybe, as an old friend suggested, I’m simply on my way to becoming a cynical accuser.

Whatever the reason, this girl is done with being nice. I’m done trying to play peacekeeper, placating assholes, and keeping my mouth shut when I suppress an urge to shout out “f*ck off” bubbles up from the depths of my sacred being when I have been mistreated.

Somewhere in the evolution of language, nice has become synonymous with being a good person. But I don’t think it was an innocuous co-opting of the meaning. Language is dynamic but I’m not talking about the retirement of words such as “icebox” or “oleo”.

Nice has been morphed into a measure of virtue aimed at the female of the species. Boys will be boys. But girls must be nice.

Misogynists, abusive husbands and your garden variety power mongers understand this and weaponize niceness to shame any voice of opposition.

But we women have been complicit in this as well. Especially in religious circles, where a woman depends financially on a spouse and is motivated to keep the peace at all cost. Nice=Security.

I see “no-gossip” policies in the same light. It sounds noble until you observe “no gossip” is code for don’t speak against the party line. And heaven forbid you accuse the man of God for any impropriety, you gossipy tool of the devil. Now, go be nice…

No. I’m done with nice. Does this mean I’m going to listen to the suggestions of the bad angel over my shoulder and start smacking people who cut in line, while the nice, er, I mean, good angel balefully shakes her head in disappointment? Or stop holding the door open for people? Make “Asshole” my theme song for life and embrace its jerkwad qualities deep in the cockles of my heart?

Hardly. Because I’m going to differentiate between what is nice… and what is good. They may look similar on the surface, but the resemblance ends there when you look under the hood.

What is Nice?

Niceness stems from a desire to please others and conflict avoidance. I don’t mean to diminish the importance of niceness as a social moray. Learning to play well with others is foundational to any societal fabric. (A fabric that has become so tattered and frayed these past several years.)

I’m talking about the niceness that:

· Prioritizes someone else’s agenda or comfort over your own needs.

· Staying silent even when there are harmful behaviors in either word or action.

· Avoids any action that may bring shame and disapproval.

· Has no boundaries or if there are boundaries, they are regularly violated by others.

Wadda think? My sweetie heard my f bombs and came to my rescue. But yeah. Don’t think this works for me… I cuss too much.

These are self-protective behaviors born of childhood wounds and, for many of us, trauma. But these are unsuccessful strategies for healthy relationships. And the resentment this builds over time comes with its own set of consequences, like stress-related illness. (Some doctors even characterize some serious conditions as being a “nice person” disease.) Burnout is as predictable as is flatulence after an ice cream binge by the lactose intolerant.

You are now a charter member for Codependents R Us! (Tagline: Just Be Nice!)

Congratulations! You can upgrade your membership to include a monthly subscription for antacids, ibuprofen, and wine (save 5% when you chose this option!).

What is Good?

I’m not talking Glinda the Good Witch appearing in a diaphanous gown, waving her starry scepter. (Leave it to Hollywood to bring that image to mind as I ponder the meaning.)

Here’s how I define “good”:

· Doing the right thing even when no one is looking.

· Holding yourself and others accountable for their behavior.

· Speaking your truth even when your voice wavers.

· Prioritizing self-care through the use of boundaries.

· Endeavoring to be empathetic and kind.

I don’t think it takes a psychology degree to see the contrast. But getting to this place doesn’t just happen because, well, back to those childhood wounds and trauma. Many of us lacked healthy role models to emulate, so we become the blind trying to lead the blind.

Learning to practice good in place of nice feels mighty uncomfortable initially, too. Especially because the “Just be nice” voices continue to drone in the background. Or you feel the finger of shame being pointed at you, “you’re just being selfish!”

But this is the path to self-respect and healthy relationships with others. This is the foundation on which to build a life of peace and joy. And a life of service as well that brings fulfillment, not burnout and resentment.

Congratulations! You have now been kicked out of Codependents R Us and are now free to enjoy relationships built on mutual respect and authenticity. Your life is now in closer alignment to your values.

How do we get here? I’m so glad you asked.

From Nice to Good

Recognizing the problem is always the first step in changing. And this can be tricky because I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about being nice, fer-cryin’-out-loud! Denying it is an issue is the first defense to address. But God/The Universe/Love is a patient teacher and will not rush your progress. This is scared work, and it’s playing the long game.

It was a struggle for me to parse out my own nice vs good habits. I still struggle with it at times. And this is where the wisdom of our bodies may speak up.

For me, fibromyalgia and IBS were my wake-up calls. When we are constantly repressing and denying our own needs, the body will try to get your attention. I suspect developing breast cancer was in part due to years of stress caused by codependent niceties.

The more I paid attention to physical symptoms, the more I could see the connection beyond elevated blood pressure at a doctor’s appointment. It’s the instant headache when you see the chronically bitchy coworker enter the office. Or the roiling stomach at the thought of confronting someone.

Next, set and enforce boundaries. Setting the boundaries is the easy part. Not leaving a gate open takes practice. And by the way, getting angry at people who violate your boundaries is a waste of energy. They are just doing what they’ve been used to doing in your relationship. Use your energy to enforce your boundaries. But also realize that some people will not like it and you will get push back. (Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!)

There are many good books and other resources that can guide you in this. Codependent No More by Melody Beatty is a great primer.

Commit to speaking up, especially in addressing topics that are considered “not nice.” I know for me, I held my peace while my marriage was crumbling right out from under me. I was concerned “rocking the boat” would create more tension. Joke was on me. Haha… not!

For women in abusive relationships, this may require outside support like some trusted friends or a women’s shelter. It’s time to send that elephant in the room back to an African savannah where it belongs. (The poor pachyderm has suffered enough already.)

Finally, commit to your own well-being. Gonna say it again, this is not selfish. It is wise stewardship of the one wild and precious life granted to you. And since I just mentioned a Mary Oliver line, her poem, The Journey, is good food for the soul.

Learning to fully step into our lives and reclaiming our power is the spiritual work at hand. It is a lifetime endeavor.

But this is where the treasure lies. This is where we learn to love our neighbors as ourselves. This is where transformation happens, and once we get a taste of this goodness, we see how “nice” is a hollow, gaudy imitation.

How About You?

Dear One, you are worthy of a life of love and happiness, including relationships that are mutually supportive of your values and dreams. It feels very scary to let go of the familiar patterns, even when you know you are imprisoned by them.

Your calling in life isn’t to be nice. Nor does “being nice” mean you assume responsibilities that aren’t yours to assume. Taking better care of a person than they will take care of themselves may look nice, but it’s anything, but because of the damage it causes. It cripples the person and drains your energy and unless you break the pattern, the price you will pay will only grow.

Don’t confuse situational niceness with the God-given goodness imbued in each person. Allow your goodness to shine. Allow it to connect with the goodness in other people. You will begin to see a richer, more fulfilling life unfold.

You deserve this. And always remember, you are loved.

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