Moving on Even if it’s a Crawl
And a disturbing thing I learned from my oncologist
Ever feel like your life has been put in a blender and someone hit “high” without putting the lid on? If you enter my orbit, you’ve been warned.
Hello, my name is Theresa and welcome to my swirling mess of life.
I’ve been looking back over my columns here on Medium and have felt discouraged seeing my loss of momentum. Since I started a part-time job a few months ago, my writing has all but shriveled up. It’s not that I want it to. Writing is a part of my very being. If I don’t write, I go cray-cray.
Re-entering the fray of life after a year of cancer treatment has been no small thing for me. Physically, I feel great, other than the funky lung thanks to pneumonia back in January. (I get to see a pulmonologist at the end of the month for that. My god, I get weary of medical appointments!)
I am committed to daily exercise and (mostly) eat a healthful diet.
But yet I am exhausted by the time I get home from my part-time job.
Mentally? Well, that’s another story. My level of scatterbrain has been off the charts. Anxiety and depression can drop by on most any day. And then there is mental fatigue. I’ve beaten myself up feeling like a lightweight. You would think I was working 80 hours a week.
I had my six-month follow-up visit with my oncology NP yesterday. She was delighted at my blood work and commended me on my great self-care and the obvious benefits reflected in my health.
Yay me.
She assured me that my mental health issues are all part of the estrogen blockers. And to be kind with myself regarding my struggle to lose about 20 pounds. “We’re messing with your metabolism,” she said.
I laughed. “It’s all YOUR fault!” I said. Then she laughed too.
I adore Jane. I love my oncologist too, but for whatever reason, nurse practitioners are less scary to me than doctors. Go figure.
Jane brought up a new topic.
“This is going to sound disturbing…”
“Yes, yes, do tell!”
“Your tumors are in storage.”
“Say, WHAT? You mean like hanging out in a freezer with other tumors? Or is it in a low budget storage place where it shares space with blueberries and freezer burned chicken thighs?”
Eeeeeeew.
She explained that at the five years mark, they will re-evaluate the tumors to index the cancer. This will determine if I could benefit from an additional five years of hormone blocking.
I am grateful that I am tolerating the drug just fine (other than feeling like I’m losing my mind some days!) and that science can help determine the most prudent steps post cancer treatment.
In the meantime, she encouraged me to exercise plenty of self-compassion and grace. She reminded me that even a year after finishing chemo, it can still make women mentally feel like they’re developing Alzheimer’s.
And in another meanwhile. I went through a computerized test for ADHD. (It’s called a QBtest and is the only approved test of its type for diagnosing ADD/ADHD.) I have the report but don’t know how to interpret. But it reads that 99% of women my age were less hyper and impulsive.
Hmmmmmm.
The doc said family and personal history toward ADHD but uh, yeah… I got my patient paperwork completed before the appointment. That threw him off course. No one EVER gets their paperwork done in advance, he said.
I had my prepared a week before the appointment. It’s just how I roll.
I’m also organized. I’m on time. Not exactly something you see in folks with ADHD.
But I argue these are coping strategies I learned at a very young age to keep from being completely overwhelmed.
I feel like Diogenes looking for an honest man only I’m trying to figure out the best way to support my mental health.
I believe if ADHD is underpinning the other struggles, let’s focus on helping the ADHD.
I will have a follow-up visit with him in a few weeks to discuss results.
Speaking of mental health. I am off to Colorado Springs to spend time at a Benedictine Monastery for a few weeks. It’s where I completed their 2-year global online program for Spiritual Directors. I can hardly wait to meet in real life these living saints who supported me so much through my divorce and then cancer treatment.
It promises to be a peaceful time of love, reflection and some volunteer work.
I had wanted to do this last year after I finished chemo but the time just didn’t feel right. And no, not interested in becoming a nun in case you’re wondering. (My sweetie wouldn’t like that either!) Lol
So that’s the update. I hope after my retreat/pilgrimage, I will return refreshed and ready to focus on some plans that have been incubating. I’ve got books to finish, people to coach and Zumba to teach!
Thank you so much for reading and being part of my world. I am grateful for YOU!
Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.
