My Gift To Myself This Year: No Wine

Bailing on the Baileys Too

This will be my first dry Christmas in many years. I decided to stop drinking about 3 months ago and so far, so good. But now I realize I am wading into some new waters-the holiday season where alcohol is as ubiquitous as candy canes.

It’s not exactly like I have a demanding list of Christmas activities to tend to anyway.

One tradition I did over the years was to get Bailey’s Irish Cream in honor of my mom. She loved the stuff. Mom would throw back a tumbler of it and we could watch her diabetic face flush with the sugar bomb. We would joke about her going into a diabetic coma. Yeah, that’s really hilarious, isn’t it?

She liked Kahlua too so I still pause when I see a bottle of it.

None of that for me this year. Nor my favorite Apothic merlot.

I realized several months ago that I was numbing myself with a daily bottle of wine. This even after knowing full good and well alcohol is a risk factor for breast cancer.

The fact that I was still drinking even after the breast cancer diagnosis illustrates what an utterly stoopid habit alcohol is. We can reason. We can try to justify, but when it’s all said and done, alcohol is bad news.

But I say this with gentleness to myself. I knew the wine habit was numbing the emotions. First, it was trying to cope with my marriage unraveling and the anguish of infidelity. Then it was the gray divorce. And oh, yeah, breast cancer.

I’ll be honest with you-I didn’t know I could do this. I had my doubts. Prior to the painful bullshit of the past few years, I was never a heavy drinker. Just a glass of wine here or there and an occasional margarita in the summer.

I grew up in an alcoholic home too so I witness firsthand the devastation it brings to a family. Dad dropped dead of his one and only heart attack at the age of 53. His body was found outside the party venue he had been attending.

Yeah, those parties are such fun!

I had this sense of caution but uh, yeah, then Covid happened.

Covid gave me carte blanche for day drinking. God I just shudder thinking of my situation at the time: living in a camper with a spouse who treated me with so much contempt. (I also didn’t know he was betraying me at the time so hindsight has been very enlightening.)

It was time to get serious about my wine drinking. Hello, case of wine at Trader Joes. When you’re numbing on a tight budget the three buck Chuck is the way to go.

I would occasionally splurge with a bottle of the aforementioned Apothic Merlot.

I was so justified.

The afternoon would roll around and I could feel the pull. I could hardly wait to get home from work so I could pour myself a glass. I once cracked open a bottle at 10 in the morning. I knew that was not a good sign but justified it because I was dealing with a particular issue with my was-band that was tearing me up inside.

The emotional pain was just too much.

The holidays certainly bring a fair amount of pain and triggers but I am facing them without the wine.

I can’t say it is easy. I’ve discovered “Fre” alcohol free wine and enjoy sipping on that occasionally.

Will I never touch another glass of wine or margarita? I don’t know. All I know is that for right now, my gift to myself is a clear head and not having wine as a line item on my budget. I am taking it day by day. And when I feel my resolve twitch, I look at a sobriety counter app on my phone. It motivates me to watch the days pile up.

We are trained in our culture that when the going gets tough, the tough hit Total Wine and More. It’s all such a big lie.

Gray divorce, breast cancer, heart ache over loved ones, financial angst….NONE of my issues were helped by alcohol. Not even a little bit.

It is a lie if you think it can help you process. It doesn’t. It just numbs.

Yes, I can hear a small voice saying, “But a glass won’t hurt!”

There is some truth to that but for right now, I know one glass would lead to another glass and that would lead to…

Alcohol does not empower. It does not add to the quality of your life either.

What I am finding now is my head is clearer. The anguish a little less heavy because I’m sitting with it instead of trying to sweep it under a rug. But most importantly, stepping back into the agency of my life. Empowering myself.

If you’re still enjoying wine and other alcohol-Enjoy! I’m not looking down my nose. And yeah, a small part of me will miss imbibing with some friends. I can toast with my alcohol-free wine. Or one of my latest winter indulgences, hot cocoa with some whipped cream on top. Mmmmmm! A few drops of peppermint oil make it extra yummy.

But for this year, the best gift to myself is stepping into my new life with a clear head.

What about you? Are you thinking about going alcohol free? I would love to hear in the comments.

Speaking of comments: I’m humbled to see my readership grow and am truly humbled by this. I appreciate every read, comment and clap! Thank you!

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