My Neanderthal heritage
When Jay heard me scream in the bathroom, he appeared with a wad of paper towels. My hero. “Cockroach?” he asked. “Whisker,” I replied. I don’t know how the little sucker popped up on my cheek overnight but there it was. It was a good inch long, snowy white and the texture of copper wire. I looked at my hormone lotion to see if Miracle Grow was an ingredient. So much for “balancing my hormones.”
I was lamenting to my sister about this new development in the facial hair department when she informed me that it was probably from our Neanderthal genetic heritage. It seems my other sister got one of those genetic tests. She helpfully pointed out that the facial hair was, no doubt, a throwback to our Neanderthal gene. While she was telling me this, I moved to the bathroom mirror so I could study my brow line. Assured that it didn’t appear to be more prominent than I recalled, I did a quick Google on the ramifications on carrying the Neanderthal gene.
Well, that explains a lot! “Little or no protruding chin,” was listed as one of the Neanderthal traits. Oh goody. I didn’t need to look in the mirror over this one. And to think I had been blaming Dad all these years. The search results also told me that if I smoked, I’d have a hard time with quitting. A picture of a Neanderthal with a Marlboro hanging out of his mouth flashed through my mind. Nah.
In case you haven’t heard, genetic testing such as the company 24AndMore, so named because of the amount of potential horrible afflictions they screen for, hence giving you MORE to worry about, has been enjoying brisk business.
The test will reveal things like: Your eye color, preference for salty or sweet, and if you are enraged by people crunching corn chips in coffee shops (they call it "noise sensitivity). (Check!) Prior to this report, I had no idea that some people had attached vs. detached earlobes, other than Mr. Potato Head, that is. Speaking of ears - our family type of earwax was particularly elucidating, if not disgusting.
Dude. I can figure this sort of stuff without spitting into a cup and paying a hundred bucks.
I was a little disappointed to discover I’m 100% plain ole vanilla, my ancestors having hailed from the British Isles and Northern Europe. How boring. Maybe that explains that British telly obsession I have along with the desire to travel to Deutschland und spielen. I was really hoping for touch of something more mysterious like say, descendant of a Nepalese Sage or an Andean Queen but no such luck.
I did take issue with some of the results, like the one that said I am lactose tolerance and have a strong likelihood of maintaining a svelte figure. Trust me, you do not want to be around me if I drink a glass of milk. And I'm pretty confident my distant kin were more of the plump peasant variety.
Of course, the power of observation won’t reveal your likelihood to develop dread diseases that afflict, say, .003% of the population.
Personally, I would like some information that could be more practical. Like this facial hair thing. Isn’t there a way we could trim a little code out of my genes to nip this (and the whiskers) in the bud? And could I blame my occasional urge to slap people on a chromosomal variation?
Well, enough musings for now. I gotta go club something from breakfast.
