Saying Yes When You Want To Say No

Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?

Busted again. I’m reading Gabor Mate’s The Myth of Normal and seeing myself on so many of the pages. Like, this chronic pattern of saying yes when I want to say no. Or saying no when I want to say yes.

What makes this tricky is often I am not even aware that I’ve denied my own needs-I’m programmed to be self-sacrificing.

Dr. Mate uses as one example helping a neighbor move even though you had plans for that day. Yeah, that one smacked me in the face. Several years ago, my neighbor was moving and had very little help.

Theresa to the rescue. (My then-husband did too.) We sacrificed our day to do what she had failed to do: plan her move and pack in a timely way. We packed, swept, hauled, and busted our asses.

Over the years, we had helped many people move. (And for the record, we benefitted from others helping us when we moved, oh so many times!) Then we came to where we swore off that we were DONE doing that. More often than not, we would arrive at the home and find they did very little to prepare. Food was still in the cupboards. Towels still in the hallway closet. “Heh-heh-didn’t have time to pick up boxes,” one lady once said with a laugh. A filthy fridge that needed to be cleaned because, well, you know, gotta get that damage deposit back.

I was inwardly seething after this last time. But you wouldn’t know it. There was work to be done, you know.

Just writing this reminds me of a few different voices inside my head:

“Well, of COURSE you should help your neighbor!” This is the voice of my inner church lady. She is a paragon of virtue and helpfulness. One of her mottos: “The need is the call!”

Omgod, people. As I have gotten healthier, I see the damage my well-meaning inner church lady has wrought on my health and happiness. Her actions look so good and man, it’s hard to criticize her altruistic efforts.

Newsflash: The need is NOT the call. (The call to serve, that is. Something I heard more than once in sermons on in my years of organized religion.)

My inner church lady wants love and affirmation. That motivates her. So, when the recipient of her generous actions lacks what she feels is an appropriate level of gratitude and fawning, well, the church lady gets pissed.

And then another voice speaks up. This one is pissed.

“WTAF? Why didn’t she better prepare to move? How DARE she expects people to clean up her mess, yadda, yadda, yadda.”

This is my finger-pointing, judgmental inner bitch. She and the church lady get into cahoots at times. Her needs are simple: To feel superior so she can feel a sense of self-worth.

Oh, what’s this I hear from the back corner of the room? It’s another voice. It sounds whiny.

“No one EVER shows up for us? Why do you always help people and people don’t help poor little old me?”

Ah. Self-pity and victimhood have reared its head. I must look deeper to see what needs it has. Compassionate inquiry reveals a part of me that feels overlooked and disconnected.

This is just a small sampling of the dance I do in my head. Much of the time this is going on beyond my awareness. These voices are trying to help me, though efforts are misguided.

What is the answer?

Being honest with myself. No, I don’t want to help you move. Period. No guilt. There is no need for an excuse. No attempts to “rescue” someone. I also recognize my need to be needed and understand if this is my driving motivation, I will most certainly end up pissed.

And then I chose differently. Should I choose to help with the move, it is help offered without emotional strings attached or judgmental narratives.

I need concrete examples like this because so often; I cannot recognize this pattern when it is acting out. I say yes/no when I don’t want to.

Learning to honor my needs and living from a place of authenticity is a huge part of my healing process.

There’s a lot at stake here. And as a recent cancer survivor, it is writ large that I must foremost take care of myself and my needs. It’s not selfishness. It’s self-care and it must be my priority.

And yeah, you probably know this already. Like I do. But we still keep doing the same damn thing-repeatedly!

Quiet the voices-recognize the needs being presented. Honor those needs, but dig deeper.

Listen for the peaceful voice. That inner Pilot Light that is always shining, always willing to guide you. Your True Self. The Holy Spirit. Truth. Whatever moniker you know it by, it is a faithful and loving guide.

Its motivations are simple and pure-LOVE and connection.

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to buy me a coffee.