The Gifts of Infidelity and Divorce Pt 4

When you can’t change the situation, you must change yourself

When I started this topic, I thought it would be one article. Here I am now adding part four. It reminds me of one reason I love writing-it helps me sort out and clarify what’s rolling around in my head and heart.

When I was going through divorce, I couldn’t imagine finding the day where I could look back with gratitude at such a dark season in my life. But here I am, counting my blessings.

Like forgiveness, focusing on the good is both a choice and an on-going process. (And please remember, I’m not talking about a toxic positivity like “Good Vibes Only.”)

Here are more of the gifts I continue to benefit from.

The Gift of Transformation The healing work goes beyond reading books or attending therapy. And while those tools are valuable, they don’t replace the need to sit and connect with our pain.

My teacher, Richard Rohr aptly puts it: “All great spirituality is about what we do with our pain… By trying to handle all suffering through willpower, denial, medication, or even therapy, we have forgotten something that should be obvious: we do not handle suffering; suffering handles us in deep and mysterious ways that ironically become the very matrix of life.”

In today’s culture, pain is an enemy. Even a moral shortcoming! It’s a sign that you didn’t do enough or you didn’t do something right. It is something to avoid at all costs via those nonworking tools Richard mentions above. I think the amount of hatred and angst seen on social media reflects this. In refusing to accept necessary suffering, we end up weaponizing the pain onto others. And to put a cherry on top, we may not even be aware of it.

I try to keep this in mind when I read vitriolic posts or witness blatantly rude treatment out in public. Suffering that is not addressed frequently shows up as anger. And if I don’t watch my reaction to such outbursts, I become another angry person trying to outshout the first angry person. No one wins.

Again, I turn to Richard’s wise guidance, “If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.”

Despair and sadness are often just underneath the surface as well. It only triggers a doubling down of the angry responses, hateful fault finding or blame shifting. And round and round it goes.

The process of transformation is not unlike steel being forged. It happens under extremely high pressure. When I am out in nature and see a tree that clings to a rock wall and marvel at how nature has its own ways to forge. Its gnarled limbs stand testimony to its resilience despite years of brutal winters. The roots run deep and remind me that in times of suffering, I must look within and tap into the my roots that connect me to my Higher Power.

Sometimes this process can be two steps forward, one step back. And that is okay. Allowing the pain to transform me has helped me to see my former spouse with compassion and grace, regardless of past actions. The pain he caused becomes a tool for my transformation. And I truly hope that he too can heal.

What does that transformation look like? The anger does not take me over anymore. And when it does surface (remember, this is a process!) I send love and compassion to the part of me that is still healing. I find more empathy for others. Peace flows more readily in this space, which allows for a clearer head, too.

And a clearer head allows me to keep healthy boundaries. This was something I lacked when I kept tolerating hurtful behaviors. You can’t prevent a bird from flying over your head, but you can keep it from making a nest in your hair, right?

Photo ©2006 Derek Ramsey (Ram-Man) Via Wikimedia Commons

A Fresh Start When I embrace transformation, it allows me to ask some new questions:

Why did this happen for me vs. why did this happen to me? And, what does this make possible?

When asked from a place of health and wholeness, these questions are powerful and can open your eyes to new possibilities.

A caveat: Asking these questions too soon in the healing process can be a detriment. Otherwise, the questions can bring more toxic positivity. For example, if I find myself hissing out a sarcastic reply, it’s probably not the time to use that question. Rather, it’s time to gently set down the question down and back away sloooooowly.

For me, I see the events from the past few years as an invitation for my spiritual life to deepen. It allows me to more authentically embrace my oft repeated mantra: Live Simply. Love Deeply. Throw out Shit. (The throw out shit part comes from my years as a professional organizer.)

Breast cancer only reinforced the mantra, but with an added twist. And that is, time is short. None of us know how long we have on this earth. And if we glimpse at that, we would realize that we will never get the time back spent fighting and trying to control things we have no control over.

Brene Brown addresses this with this powerful quote (Feel free to substitute “Midlife” with whatever crisis you’re currently fighting):

Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you “I’m not fucking around, use the gifts you were given.”

My fresh start is still unfolding. The past few years have been spent learning how to slow down and become more accepting of things beyond my control. And it’s not driven by a “I must work harder so I can relax,” mentality. It can still feel disorienting. And I will admit, knowing stress increases my risk for reoccurrence for breast cancer is sobering, so my motivation is high to live in a place where peace prevails in my head and heart.

Rediscovering the Real Me I’ve spent most of my life identifying myself by the roles I’ve played. Wife, mother, homeschool mom, organizer, coach, etc. I am deeply grateful for the opportunities I’ve had but the roles I’ve held isn’t the essence of who I am.

All the roles come with a built-in grading system. I have measured myself by the metrics downloaded by culture and early childhood experiences.

Am I a good mom? (On somedays, not so much!) Did I do enough in how I educated my kids? (Cue to the guilt trips.) Even when I try harder, it is never enough. Even the need to relax is judged! (You have no business relaxing, get off your dead ass and do something!)

In the name of self-improvement, I am trained to judge myself by arbitrary standards imposed by our culture, and have come up empty and full of shame.

Having all my precious and tightly held roles crashed and burned, my heart felt like smoking ruins. But underneath the smoking ruin, there was something still sparkling. An immortal diamond. It is the immortal diamond of True Self, as Richard Rohr puts it. By the way, I highly recommend his book on the topic.

This immortal diamond imagery represents the divine spark resident in every human. It is the place where love can flow, but in and out. It is the seat of all the goodness packed into our humanity. Richard Schwartz, Ph.D, the genius behind the Internal Family Systems therapeutic model, outlines the qualities of True Self.

The “8 C’s” of True Self are: Curiosity, Compassion, Calm, Clarity, Courage, Confidence, Creativity and Connectedness.

Acting from True Self changes everything. It also reminds me of my God-given right to enjoy a life that is filled with joy and loving relationships. It reminds me that I am loved unconditionally. When I’m out of flow with these truths, I need to get curious and explore what’s not working.

By doing the inner work and allowing the pain to transform my life, I am free to live my life with greater joy and peace, regardless of my marital status or health conditions. This is a our God-given birthright, available to every human. Step into it, dear reader. And know that you are loved.

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