The Nuts and Bolts of Life Post Divorce

Details, details

There are many tasks to be done after marriage dissolution. Just what you need in such a high stress time, right? It can be overwhelming and the invitation for a pity party and procrastination can be difficult to overcome. That will not serve you well, though.

For me, I looked at the list as an act of empowerment. I cried and grieved enough and felt ready to take a deep breath and address taking control of my new life. That has served me well and I encourage you to accept this same perspective.

Before we dive into this, make sure you’ve laid the groundwork for your overall health. Click here for my post on this. Also, keep in mind, I am focusing on older women with no children still at home. The issues we face are different than younger moms with kids at home. Additionally, my focus is on women who were full-time homemakers.

First things first. The legal crap. If you choose to take your maiden name back, like I did, this will be stated in your divorce decree. But all the footwork to do so will be your responsibility. The task isn’t hard, but it is tedious. You will need to change all of your bank accounts, insurance, car titles, etc.

I sadly discovered that there is no way to change my email address to my new name with Gmail. The only way to do so is to dump the email entirely and set up a new account. But for me, that was not feasible. I set up another Gmail account forward emails and then would reply to emails with the updated address.

Tedium aside, it was a wonderful feeling to feel like I was stepping back into my identity prior to marriage and motherhood. I’m over two years out from my divorce and I still discover places to update.

Other legal tasks include updating your will, power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Ditto for reporting to any government agency and insurance companies.

Taking care of your finances is another major area. Review all the accounts, debts and assets. Make sure you are off any joint bank accounts. I don’t know how I missed one, but it was several months after the divorce that I discovered another account in both our names.

Sit down and write out a budget too. This was something that was terrifying to me, as I was never the main breadwinner in the home. Budgeting the money, oh yes, that I did and did well. But providing the funds for the new budget… welp!

Even if your finances are bleak, all the more reason to take an unflinching look at the reality. Things may even be better than you thought.

Consult a financial advisor if need be. (I have some great recommendations if you’d like a few names.)

Living arrangements are another big consideration. Now, hopefully, this was already decided and put into writing with the divorce. Either way, the task at hand is setting up a new household.

Don’t be in a hurry to send memorabilia to the dumpster. If you get triggered by wedding photos or other items that pack an emotional charge, I advise to pack up those things and address them at another time.

Use your new housing situation to reflect the new you and the new stage in your life. A small thrill for me living alone? No more picking up after anyone else. And if I wanted a bowl of cereal for dinner, that was a-okay. If there is a dirty plate in the sink, it’s from me. Downside… can’t blame anyone else for not picking up after themselves.

Let’s talk about launching out at your new stage of life. This is a good time to revisit any previous dreams or goals. For starters, you may find those dreams no longer hold the appeal it once did. Excellent! You’ve gotten clarity on what you don’t want.

Perhaps you’d like to return to school and finish a degree or find a new career. I had considered going back to schools to finish my bachelor’s degree in order to get a master’s degree, but decided that it would not be a wise investment of time or money given my age. Ditto given health issues. (I turn 60 this year.) And besides, I already have plenty of skills. I just enjoy attending classes. Now if only I could get paid to attend classes…

If you are over 60, many colleges offer free classes to audit. And lord knows, there are plenty of online options if you wish to explore other subject just for the sheer pleasure of learning.

If you need training, look for any vocational rehab programs that might be in your area. This can be especially helper for younger women who must shift from homemaker to breadwinner.

Another task is one that will be ongoing. I’m talking about your relationship with your adult kids.

Divorce is hard for them too. (Especially if there was infidelity or a history of abuse.) The conflict they must process is no small task.

I fiercely debated the should we tell the kids question concerning the affairs. On the one hand, I felt like this was an issue between my former spouse and me. Keep it private. No sense riling up other family members. My former husband has always been a good dad, and I didn’t want to sully their view of him.

On the other hand, I didn’t want them to find out by accident. Besides, I was tired, oh so very tired, of secrets. Plus, the kids could see our marriage was under tremendous strain and I didn’t want them drawing wrong conclusions. Disclosure seemed to be the best option, especially since I wanted them to know the reason for the divorce.

Finally, step into your new life.

Celebrate your independence even if it’s seasoned with a little melancholy. And fer-the-love-of-all-things-holy, be selective with whom you spend your time with. This is a great time to step back from energy draining relationships and invest your time in healthier ones.

When you’re ready, you may enter the world of dating. But holy cow, the horror stories I’ve heard! And most importantly, I hope you’ve taken the time to heal, as well as to address your participation in any patterns that were less than helpful in your marriage.

Not going to say any of this is easy. Let your heart be your guide in setting the pace for doing what needs to be done.

Above all, be extra kind and patient with yourself. Divorce is one of the most stressful experience a human can go through. It can be tempting to ruminate and reply what-if scenarios.

Instead, focus on your new adventures. You WILL get through this. The sun WILL shine again.

And so will you, dear reader. Shine on!

Please share with anyone you know who may find this helpful. And if you’d like to support my work, you can click here. Thank you!