This is Your Brain on Divorce

I hope you like ibuprofen and wine

Divorce is one helluva ride. I know few people who have celebrated their divorce. Sure, there may be a feeling of grateful relief that warrants a bit of a Snoopy happy dance. But it wasn’t until my 32-year marriage ended did I get a better understanding of the emotional turmoil inherent with such a huge life changing decision.

It’s been over two years since my divorce and I’m just now learning to look back on things with a new perspective, that being gratitude.

Sure, the pain still exists and I’m not sure the pool of sadness deep within me will ever go away, but that’s okay. And I mean it. But enough time has passed, and that allows me to reflect without turning into a puddle of tears.

There is no shortcut through the pain. We want it to just go away. Drug me, put me in a coma and then wake me up when it’s all over.

Trying to circumvent the pain by taking a perceived shortcut will most certainly prolong the suffering.

But how the hell does one do this? Like marriage or parenthood, there is no owner’s manual. Sure, there are helpful books out there, but when those little gray cells are trying to process such an emotionally charged change, the overwhelm can be paralyzing.

There is a biological reason for this. Your neocortex, that thinking part of your brain, is at war with your limbic system, the part that processes emotions and memories. For some, the lizard brain, the oldest and most primitive part of our brain, may even fire up if your basic survival is on the table.

Think of the cartoons where there is a good angel over one shoulder and a bad angel on the other. And they can create a civil war within that can turn the hardiest soul into a deer frozen in the headlights.

For me, my neocortex helped me decide, based upon the state of things. (Or should I say, the state of affairs?) I knew my marriage was over. Knew that he wanted out of the marriage. In Spock terms… it was the logical thing to do.

Meanwhile, my limbic system was awash with memories and emotions, both good and bad. I could flip from crying one moment to a raging f-bomb fest to being caught up in sentiment. Our wedding. The birth of our children. The many milestones and the obstacles we overcame.

Then the rage interrupts. The betrayal. The how could you question that will never have a satisfactory answer.

The lizard brain would seize me right out of the blue. Sometimes awakening me from sleep, other times triggered by a mere glance at the divorce papers. Hello, panic attack.

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you understand how terrifying this can be. You are suddenly awash in stress hormones, ready to protect your very life. Only the threat is existential. It’s like an emotional lion is stalking its prey. And you are the prey.

The fears were more than existential. How would I support myself after spending most of my life caring for my family? Being near retirement age brings me no comfort. Having not paid into the system since my labors were unpaid, the most I will get will be half of whatever his social security amount will be.

There is no 401k. No real property. So yeah. The brothers Grimm couldn’t paint a darker tale for the economic reality of a gray divorcee. And sadly, there is good company to be found in this group.

Since the 1990s, the divorce rate among 50-year-olds has roughly doubled. And for women, studies show there is a drop of 40% in household income. Another shocking statistic: nearly 27% of divorced women over 65 live below the poverty line.

Men experience an income decline of 23%. Better off financially than women, but there are still significant impacts. (I grabbed all these statistics from ChatGPT.)

And remember, this situation is unique in that we’re dealing with aging bodies and the health risks incumbent with the passing years. If you’ve followed my writing, you’ll know that I was diagnosed with breast cancer about 5 weeks after the divorce.

So instead of trying to get on my feet the first-year post-divorce, my days were spent going to and fro from Mayo’s cancer center. First a double mastectomy. Then another surgery to implant a port for the chemotherapy that followed. Good times. (NOT!)

I survived through the generosity of loving friends through GoFundMe since my income plummeted to a nice round figure: 0.

In chatting with other women through breast cancer groups on Facebook, I learned that many of my pink sisters went through a deep and dark time prior to their cancer diagnosis as well.

Being well acquainted with the science of mind-body interactions, this didn’t surprise me at all. A body can only handle so much stress before the immune system takes a hit. Or, as Woody Allen’s character in Annie Hall put it, I don’t get angry; I grow a tumor instead.

As women, we are trained to accommodate, nurture and support others, to the detriment of our health. That detriment only increases with age.

I know I tolerated way too much for too long. I was hell bent on working things out, a fool’s errand, since the wasband had already checked out.

But alas and alack, there it is. If you’re going through a divorce and feel like there’s a shitstorm in your head… it’s because there is. The different functions of your beautiful brain conflict in their efforts to help you.

I hope this article helps you understand why it feels like this.

If you are just now going through a divorce, especially a gray divorce, I want to encourage you; it DOES get better. It takes time though. And a lot of inner work.

I will address the practical steps I took that helped me. And actions that were less than helpful. (Ahem, cough, cough, wine, ahem, ahem.)

If you’re facing the beast of gray divorce, I wish for you abundant grace, comfort and love.

Peace and all good,

Theresa

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