To Err is Human, to Forgive, Divine
Why I chose forgiveness after infidelity
Great love and great suffering are like conjoined twins: you cannot have one without the other. And if we suppress or deny suffering, you will also wall yourself off from love. You can’t separate the two. It’s sort of like those annoying BOGO specials at the grocery store where you must purchase two of the items to get the sale price. (I only want ONE of the items, dammit!)
We are so cut off from this reality when we deny this truth by parroting simplistic messages like “Positive Vibes Only.” (I hate seeing little kids wearing those tees.) Life comes on its own terms and sometimes those terms are just plain hard, through no fault of your own.
Such toxic positivity is as effective as sticking your fingers in your ears and screeching, la, la, la, I can’t HEAR you! Good Vibes Only! Whitewashing the issue will only cause more damage than good.
When the source of great suffering is caused by the behavior of one you have loved deeply, the challenge is to NOT armor up and discharge your anger right back to them. Richard Rohr, OFM, reminds us that if we don’t allow suffering and pain to transform us, we will transmit it onto others.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen what this looks like: bitter people who only grow more bitter. The poison passes on to the kids, coworkers, or really, anyone who will lend an ear for your ongoing relitigation. (Warning: those who listen to your oft-repeated story will eventually grow weary and step back from you.)
Not that we should suppress healthy anger. Hardly! It’s when we keep ruminating on the offenses and fortify our victim status that we create only more heartache for ourselves. Feel the anger, but then find a way to release it. This is a necessary step if you wish to practice forgiveness.
I will admit, infidelity has been the most painful, injurious thing I have ever experienced. If you have been through a betrayal of some type, you know what I’m talking about. It goes back to the deep love/deep suffering. The ones we love the most, the ones we are most vulnerable to… oh, how deep is the cut.
The early days of our separation before the divorce were also very hard. Which stirred up the opportunity to rage. Especially as I took stock of all the consequences of the wasband’s choices. The humiliation of requesting testing for STDs. The agony of sorting out household items and recalling the memories around each item. I would look at treasured gift items given to me through the years and would wonder, was it all a lie? Did he buy that for me on the way back from HER?
Learning how to take care of things on my own… like handyman tasks. This was frustrating at first, but then I realized I was exercising my independence and felt empowered.
The financial vulnerability continues to be a challenge. Especially since he could not provide me with the financial support agreed upon in the divorce settlement. And since breast cancer, I continue to struggle with health issues that affect my ability to work and support myself. (Note to young “tradwives,” I would have poo-poohed any person suggesting I maintain some independence financially. I envisioned no possibility of divorce, especially after over three decades of marriage. Please don’t make this same mistake. People change and affairs happen.)
Not good for a 60-year-old with no pension or regular income. I am hoping disability will rule in my favor, but I know the amount won’t begin to cover all my costs, even with my mad ninja frugality skills.
The paperwork to change my name back and untangling bank accounts was an absolute pain in the ass. I would feel so angry at the administrative tasks I now had to do… all because of the consequence of his choices.
So yeah. There was plenty of opportunity to pack my guns.
LIFE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN OUT THIS WAY!
As the months stretch into years post-divorce, the days of grief and anger have diminished. I honestly don’t know if the grief will ever go away. Being a certified life coach and spiritual director, I knew what I needed to do to heal. But I also knew I could not work through the wreckage on my own. So, I have been in therapy and meet with my spiritual director monthly.
Books have been a lifeline as well.
The wisdom of Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning, reminds me:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
And another goody: “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Surely, if a Holocaust survivor can practice this, so can I.
I had no control over his behavior, but I can control how I will respond. I could not change the situation, but I am changing.
Ya know, sometimes I still get pissed over the amount of work I must do to stay on this path. I remind myself regularly this is for my own good and for the health of my relationships with my adult kids.
Brene Brown’s motto, strong back, soft front and wild heart, reminds me of my values. It’s a paradox. The softer I become, the stronger I become. The more shattered my heart, the more beautiful and enlarged it can become by the grace holding it all together. Think spiritual kintugi.
Choosing forgiveness feels hard sometimes. But the consequences of not are sobering. Especially as a cancer survivor. Living in a constant state of flight or freeze only increases the risk of recurrence, and I sure as hell don’t want to go through that experience again.
I’m going to write on the forgiveness theme more and would love to hear from you on the topic. What’s the hardest thing you’ve endured? How did you handle it? There are no right or wrong answers, only results which you may or may not like!
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