Why I Don’t Call Him My Ex Even Though We Are Divorced

I Honor Him Because I Honor Myself

When I stood as a young bride over three decades ago, never in a million years did I think my marriage would end on the dog pile of divorce statistics.

I knew things were unraveling a good 10 years before I was able to admit to myself the reality. He was not happy. I thought I was happy but now I wonder how much of that was a fantasy I maintained about having a long and happy marriage.

It’s funny how we can delude ourselves and then cling to those delusions.

Even after he admitted to his infidelity, I was still willing to hang in there. Never mind the shattered trust. I must not divorce at any cost.

Wow. Those memes really die hard. The “til death do us part” bit in particular. I didn’t realize sometimes the marriage dies. Or that sometimes one spouse just wants out and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

He didn’t know what to do with his pain and unhappiness and pursued what he thought would bring some modicum of happiness.

All the wishing in the world will not change history. He betrayed me. The man I loved the most caused me the most pain. Done and dusted.

This is still fairly fresh for me-especially since breast cancer interrupted my processing, having been diagnosed about 6 weeks after finalization.

We were separated for the better part of a year before I finally went and filed the paperwork for divorce. One pattern in our marriage was that I would usually take the lead on important decisions-something he grew to resent over the years.

So, it was appropriate that the task would fall to me to take the final action in our marriage and what felt to me…betray the vows I took.

It is a mind fuck on multiple levels. I have physically felt like a whirlwind going through my body, so overwhelming the grief and anger.

One thing that was enormously helpful to me was to attend a divorce retreat. This was before I filed the paperwork. I know I needed to severe the relationship but I needed support to do so.

Through the exercises and listening to the stories of others, I knew what I must do.

Divorce.

It still grieves me just to type that word. Especially when I think of our kids and realize the “grow old together” ain’t gonna happen.

But here I am.

There’s been a lot of anger to process and I know that after 32 years of partnership, this isn’t going to be a done deal any time soon.

I heard it said that forgiveness is letting go of a past you can’t change. But it is also in the present moment where we say “Yes” to what is, regardless of how fucking painful it is.

Yes, I am divorced. Yes, I am scared. Yes, I am economically vulnerable. (Being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t provide a pension.)

Embracing the yeses. So much fun.

But there are other yeses.

Yes, I am free to begin fresh. Yes, I am free to establish my little household as a place of safety and peace. Yes, I am free to love my kids more than ever and celebrate their lives.

And yes-this is a biggie-creating a new relationship with the man I loved for so many years.

I know many are in the “kick him to the curb” and don’t look back school of thought here. And trust me, I considered that a time or two or fifty million.

But the fact remains he is still the father of my kids and history is history.

We are civil to each other. On some level we still care about one another.

I will honor him but keep my heart at a safe distance. This is not easy. It’s easy to grab a Velcro thought of bitterness and play the betrayals on an endless repeat loop.

I endeavor to honor him because ultimately, this is no longer about him or the marriage. This is about me and the person I choose to be as I move forward.

And this is in part why I do not refer to him as my “ex-husband.” He is not an ex anything. He is a valuable and beloved human being, even if his behavior failed to reflect his higher good.

So, I refer to him as my “was-band.” It brings smiles to faces and helps me stay in a place of graciousness. Or-former spouse. Take your pick.

I am not doing this for him. I do it for me.

And again, I fail often at this. And it is easy to be seized by fear.

The only way I know to address these things is through forgiveness. Forgiveness for him and forgiveness for myself.

Choosing to take the high road is that-a choice. But please also know there is no bypassing the wounds that need to be healed.

So often we want to leapfrog into a phony positivity and it is just not that simple. Especially when you find loved ones reach their emotional limit with your drama and are ready for you to just slap on a smile and get over it.

But this is a slow work requiring patience and oh, so much self-love.

As I share my story, I am amazed at the women who bravely reach out to me and say “Me too.”

I sense an invitation to healing through connection and community with women in a similar situation.

But yet I fumble and fall back into self-doubt. How do I create something when I feel like splatter on a sidewalk?

Healing happens in community. It’s nice to think we can go climb some mountain top, assume the lotus position and oooooom our way into transformation.

That image works well for folks selling meditation programs.

I see the women. They are strong and accomplished. But they also feel battered and beaten and afraid. I see myself reflected in their stories and in hearts so tender with pain the slightest touch brings tears.

And so, the healing process continues. And we can do it together.

Have you gone through a gray divorce? What has been most helpful to you in your healing? And how do you refer to your former spouse?

And one more question-Would you be interested in being part of a support group of women over 50 going through gray divorce or any other significant and unwelcomed transition?

I would love to hear. Drop me a comment!

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.