You Know You Need to, But How Do You Overcome the Fear?

An easy step by step guide — just kidding

It took me a loooooooong time to pull the trigger on filing for divorce. On a deep level, I knew my marriage was broken beyond repair, but I still dragged my feet in filing for divorce.

I would love to say it was because of my steadfast devotion and love for my husband of nearly 33 years. And while this was a factor, it wasn’t THE factor in keeping me in an untenable relationship.

I wish I could say the outrage over the affairs drove me to action. I mean, a healthy woman with a shred of self-respect would have packed her things and fled sooner than later, right? Can you hear my judgey tone here? Yeah, that is how I was talking to myself along with plenty of “what the hell is the matter with you?” thrown in for good measure. (Ah, it is so easy to dispense cut and dried advice to someone else in these situations.)

Yeah, I was furious. But I kept the anger under wraps. It seemed in conflict with my decision to choose forgiveness. And, of course, the sheer shock of the confessions left me stunned and reeling from shock before I could explore the anger.

The realization that I could no longer trust my husband was not the impetus either. Even when full disclosure came to light and I learned the extent of the lies were more proliferate than a bunny breeding program. (But hey, gotta give him some kudos here for how he maintained the lies while living in close quarters with me. Well done, hubs.)

Nor were the kids a factor in my considerations. They are long gone so custody battles weren’t something to worry about.

Nope, nope and nope.

What kept me stuck was fear. Hmmmm. Rather, terror.

Yep. Terrified. Me. A grown ass woman, college educated, confident and upbeat-that’s me, right?

But inside I was like a cowering chihuahua who pissed anytime someone looked at it.

The physical symptoms kept increasing in volume. Irritable Bowel Syndrome made every day an adventure of gastric roulette. This did wonders for my prayer life. (Dear God, please help me not shit my pants. And if I can make it to the pot, please let there be no one in the public bathroom to witness the spectacular triple forte butt trumpet solo.)

Headaches, a resurgence of fibromyalgia. And then there was the extra 40–50 pounds I had trouble shaking.

My body knew I needed to leave. It tried really, really hard to get my attention.

But I was like a fly buzzing about a picnic spread. I’d take off and then circle back to land on the smoldering ruins of my marriage.

Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know, they say.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get shittier, something even shittier would come along: Here, hold my beer, it would say.

And yet she persisted. Have you seen that plaque? That was me. I persisted alright. But we’re not talking a K-2 expedition or launching a nonprofit to eradicate feline illiteracy or any other admirable and noble pursuit.

I persisted in all the wrong ways. Rather, in nonworking ways, to frame it a little more compassionately.

I persisted in staying put, making myself smaller, excusing his behavior an, all while my health was declining due to the stress.

And then I would beat myself up for not taking action. There is no one who could judge me harsher than I have judged myself.

Yay, me. What a climber!

This carried on for a few years. All while living in a camper, for fuck’s sake.

Until.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Though I could hardly compare my situation as being tight in the bud. My bud was bedraggled and looked unable to bloom.

But I finally reached my breaking point when he, in great anguish and sincerity told me he wasn’t sure if he loved her… or me. Poor little lamb. Old programing dies hard.

From the depths of my being, I finally got the memo.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?! And who the hell is this man?

I finally woke up.

Damn the fear.

I filed.

And I learned a powerful lesson.

There is no substitute for action when you are in an untenable situation. Positive confessions, tolerating the intolerable, procrastinating on decisions-it is no substitute for taking action when one must act. In my Bible thumping days, I would have “stood on the Word” too, and believed God for a miracle.

None of that shit works. It may feel like you’re taking power but in reality, you’re kidding yourself. And believing God for a miracle? I believe I see those miracles every time I see a sunrise and can draw breath. But let’s not confuse that with trying to control an outcome when there is another broken human in the equation. Especially if he’s confused about who he loves more. (Spoiler alert, the true love with Miss Downward Dog didn’t last. Shocking, I know.)

Fear is a tricky bastard. And the only way to handle it is head on.

But how?

You take a deep breath, call a friend for support, and take action.

I called a paralegal and set the date to file papers.

The empowerment flooded my soul. Haha, just kidding. I was still terrified.

One of fear’s favorite companions is Second Guessing. This is an annoying asshole who pokes a finger into your side and taunts you with “Are you sure? But what about…???)

Oh, Beloved, I wish I could give you an easy 1–2–3 on how to break through the fear. It doesn’t work that way.

Fear is a bully if we allow it to be. It must be confronted. And it’s challenging.

But what I CAN tell you is this.

There is happiness and freedom on the other side. There is a brighter future on the other side.

In my experience, this did not happen suddenly. It was a gradual realization that I was on the right path. I was being true to myself. I began to honor myself.

Work with my therapist helped me in this process.

And now, almost two years out, I am more grateful than anything. I am grateful that I found the courage to put my foot down and say NO. I broke the cycle of that was another shitty year. Let’s do it again!

I cleared the slate. I refused to continue the pattern.

I can also tell you that it is still scary. There are a lot of things to figure out. A lot of adjustments. I spent most my life with this man, after all.

The financial terror is ever present and I must discipline my mind to not ruminate on questions like, what if the cancer returns and I can’t work?

(This is no small thing either as the side effects of the hormone blocker I am on impact my energy level.)

No, the fear doesn’t dissipate, but we can turn the volume down. I am learning to change my relationship with it. I acknowledge it. And accept that even though I don’t want to be fear stricken, it is part of the human experience.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Unless you’re thinking about stepping in front of a semi, that is.

You know what you need to do. Face the unvarnished truth. Please don’t put it off any longer or wait for a health crisis to force your hand.

Brace yourself. This is going to be hard. Anything of worth comes with a price tag. Learning new thinking patterns, learning to honor yourself and speak your truth. This is the cost of admission. And it feels costly when you have a trauma ridden background screaming a new course of action is dangerous. It can also feel like a betrayal because, for once, you are placing your own needs first.

Take back your power. Refuse to be a victim of misery.

You find you can still stand. That you can do hard things. Loved ones and helpers will show up to assist you. Talk to other women who have been through this and are on the other side. Let their stories of courage and resilience carry you when you’re in doubt of your own strength.

Take action! Don’t wait another day to embrace a fresh start.

You deserve happiness.

And always remember, you are loved.

I would love to hear from you. What gave you the final push in taking action on something you were afraid to do? It doesn’t just have to be relational. I’m all ears!

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.