I am Looking Forward to Being Alone at Christmas

Well, mostly.

After the rough start to arriving in Arizona, I am almost a little shocked to see the march of time did not stop. It didn’t even slow down a wee bit. It just kept doing what it does… marching onward.

And just like that, here we are. Christmas Eve is tomorrow.

Other than the cheery lights my sister strung in the window to welcome my arrival; my new tiny digs reflect no holiday spirit. Nor do I, really.

I’d be lying if I said I was 100% a-okay but that too is okay. I wince a little when I see the snapshots into other’s lives: Festive homes. Cookie baking with loved ones. Family gatherings. Ho ho ho.

And those damn FB memories are a two-edged sword. Today’s flashback was to this time last year. I have a picture of my beloved cat, Ruthie, sitting in my lap. My divorce had been finalized a month prior, but my post reflects contentment. I had a lovely double wide, a job I enjoyed and a lot of anticipation of good just around the corner. This was even though I knew there was much healing and reflection to be done in the aftermath of a 32-year marriage ending.

And then 2022 came.

To recap for new readers, the highlights were breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, sale of my home due to park closure, re-home Ruthie, quit job because of cancer treatment and so many other difficulties. Processing divorce took a back seat.

My daughter tells me my tragic year would make for some great fodder for standup comedy. Love that girl. I think she is right. Humor has always been a dependable coping mechanism for me. But in due time.

So, how does one get into the holiday spirit after such a time?

By being okay with not being in the holiday spirit.

My gift to myself will be the gift of being present. The gift of honoring myself, recognizing my need to withdraw and tend quietly to the healing process as it unfolds.

My gift to myself is the freedom to cry and grieve as needed, watch stupid sappy Christmas movies, and when I can bear to look back on the joyful Christmas’ past (there were many), to do so with gratitude for the good times.

I look forward to the new year with cautious optimism but have learned that too must be held with open hands.

And good lord, I am looking forward to writing on topics that DON’T revolve around grief, breast cancer and gray divorce!

I get tired of me.

But yet the work is necessary.

This Christmas marks more milestones for me as well.

It is my first alcohol free holiday in many years. I have a lovely little tiny home (really, it’s a big camper) in a friendly community and am looking forward to embracing simple living. And even though my sweetie is not with me for now, I am grateful for all the love and support he’s given me through this past year.

Last Christmas I had cancer, though I had yet not known. This Christmas I am cancer-free. I am also mostly recovered from the wicked flu I had this past week. (I was so sick I would have welcomed death but knew I couldn’t because I would need to burn my rage journal first.)

Life is a gift.

LIFE IS A GIFT.

This is the present I will quietly celebrate.

I hope your Christmas is whatever you need it to be. Lots of parties and gifts-yay! Solitude and quiet-also yay!

But if you’re not okay and struggling with depression, like so many others, please reach out for help. Call a friend.

Know that you are loved and valued in so many lives.

May love, grace and peace sustain you.

Thanks for reading! You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to send some holiday cheer.