No, I Won't Hold Space for You

The Difference Between Empathy and Codependency

You don’t have to look far to see how people are suffering. I feel this deeply, especially when I look at my loved ones. Shit, all I need to do is go look in the mirror myself. I, too, am suffering.

But as all spiritual teachers and mystics teach, suffering is a necessary part of life. To avoid suffering is to avoid love and growth. Dammit.

My heart has been shattered on multiple levels these past few years and I am at the point of just wanting to crawl into a little cave and lick my wounds. I want to give up. It’s just all too much.

And then I pause. Maybe this is the very thing my soul needs. Not giving up, but surrender. Maybe accepting how things are right now.

Letting go.

Double dammit.

My ego really, REALLY doesn’t like surrender. I am a git ‘er done kinda gal, so surrender and acceptance feel like failure.

But yet I cannot deny the fruit of such an agonizing process. I find myself with more empathy and compassion for others. I find myself taking joy in small things. I see a butterfly emerging.

I am also learning the value of self-love and self-care which is precisely why I need to hang up my “I’ll hold space for you” or the “be a listening ear” role.

I have an intense need right now for quiet. My nervous system needs to regulate more. It needs to calm the fuck down, in the sailor parlance. I need to allow grief to process and come face to face with my shadow-those parts of myself that hold shame and sadness.

This goes much deeper than mere surrender. It is deep soul work.

And it is precisely why I need to hang up my “empath” abilities.

At least selectively.

What I’ve regarded as holding space for someone has actually been being a dumping ground for somebody’s unprocessed trauma, unforgiveness and rage.

I’ve absorbed fear, shame and frustration from someone else in my effort to “help” them.

I’ve held my tongue from asking questions that, quite possibly, would annoy the suffering person. Even though I know insightful questions could open up a world of healing. They don’t want to go there, I tell myself.

I’ve listened to others point the finger and outsource their rage at others or at circumstances without once considering their own contributions to the bullshit that keeps perpetuating.

I can’t do it anymore. Because I do the same damn thing. And it is taking a shit ton of work to unlearn those savior patterns.

In my family, I was well-trained in the art of “helping” others. Mom even told me once, at the tender age of 15 or so, that I “must be strong for those who are weak.”

OMFG.

Message received: I am to be strong. I must help the weak. My worth is based on how much I help others.

Here’s my new message to self: No, I am not stronger than you. And you are not weak. And it is not my job to help you sort out your shit. It is not my job to hold space for you if you’re not willing to look within.

The key to healing is inner work. And I find few are willing to embark on this path. Just eavesdrop in on a conversation between a couple of 70-year-olds who are still emotionally 12 years old.

I also discovered this in the early days of my coaching. I offered free coaching to people in order to get the required hours for my certification.

What I found was….well, nothing. From week to week, the reports were the same.

They were still stuck. They were still pissed. Still hitting the replay button on hurts that are two decades old. They had no skin in the game.

Then the lines get blurred between what is their bullshit and what is my bullshit. And then I get too weary and drained to differentiate.

And they were also an excellent mirror in helping me see my own struggles with the same.

Breast cancer and gray divorce have completely leveled me. I have nothing more to give. I can’t hold space for you. My listening ear now sports an earbud that plays soothing Mozart. La, la, la I can’t HEAR you!

And this is where the magic happens.

As I grow into my true self and embrace self-love, I recognize the unhealthy patterns. I am learning to recognize my own needs for silence, for safety, and for sanity.

No longer will I indiscriminately listen or hold space for the insanity you are not addressing. I will not take better care of you than you are willing to care for yourself.

I am learning how to tap into my true self more consistently. To recognize God’s loving spirit in all and through all and try to align myself with that. This is the place where there is no more exhaustion and strife ceases.

This is the place from where I CAN hold space. But it’s not coming out of my own woundedness and an egoic need to “help”.

But even still, I will not engage if you’re not willing to do the inner work. Or pay me a shit ton as a coach. Even then, I may conclude that the coaching arrangement is not a good fit for me and go on my way.

As I reflect, I wonder how much these unhealthy patterns contributed to the demise of my marriage and the development of malignancy in my boobs. (BTW, I find the fact that the cancer took root near my heart to be not insignificant.)

Holding regret is a fool’s errand. But to look back, do a post-mortem on the failings and shortcomings can be valuable… IF done with a judgement free curiosity and copious amounts of self-love.

Eventually, I know I will come to a place of gratitude for the lessons cancer and gray divorce have brought me.

But first, I must heal myself.

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to buy me a coffee.