Spotting the Lie in the BeLIEfs You’ve Held

It’s Hard to Admit You’ve Been Had

I’ve been a bit of a rebel most of my life. Or so I like to think. I enjoy getting pictures of me touching items with a “Do not touch” sign. When I was in high school, I once wrote an article entitled, “Arguments for the Elimination of Television.” Ah. Youthful idealism.

When I started homeschooling my children, I began picking away at my philosophy of education. Which really wasn’t a philosophy. It was the programming baked into me by going through the system myself.

I found myself challenged by folks like John Taylor Gatto and one of my personal mentors, the late Chris Davis. Education is not a filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire, as the poet William Butler Yeats put it.

This really messed with me. Especially since one of my kids had some unique challenges that didn’t fit into a scope and sequence.

I questioned my education paradigm (Get your butt into a chair and listen to the teacher) and realized it wasn’t working for me or my kids. I don’t mean to oversimplify, it’s only to illustrate my point.

I eventually tossed my packaged curriculum and tailored my approach to each of my kids. My beliefs about what I thought education looked like crumbled.

I had to do the same thing with organized religion. It wasn’t working for me. The conflicts and bullshit became too large to ignore.

The beliefs that were drilled into me around spirituality were nothing more than a confining box that kept me limited in my outlook. (I also threw the belief about there being a hell into the wind. But that’s another story for another time.)

So, buh-bye Felicia.

And then there is the belief that I clung to for over 32 years. ‘Till death do us part. This was huuuuuuuuge.

When we got married, the preacher dude admonished us in the ceremony to “never mention the ‘d’ word.” We were initially puzzled. D word?

Ah! Divorce.

Of course, NEVAH!

And now, 30 plus years later, my beloved husband is telling me he’s not sure he “believes” in marriage anymore. And his behavior reflected this. He was done.

And I? Well, if I just work harder. Continue in therapy. Find a marriage therapist. Believe harder, dammit.

In reality, what would have been more helpful was to acknowledge the awful truth-my belief in my marriage covenant crumbled. And I was miserable too. Oh, I still believe in marriage. Still believe in the sanctity of marriage.

But I have it framed differently now. And it takes TWO people to make it happen. I also believe now that sometimes the marriage dies. It has run its course, and it’s time to move on.

Holy shit. Those words are hard to write. I never, ever in a thousand years, thought I would be divorced, especially at this stage in life.

My belief in the longevity of my marriage was lethally wounded.

It was time to change. Again.

Walt Whitman put this well when he wrote, Re-examine all that you have been told… dismiss that which insults your soul.

It sounds so much better when a poet finds the words to relate to your experience. But yet…

It’s terrifying when you find the holes in something you previously thought air tight. Or unsinkable.

You are left with a great big hairy assed ape asking, “What’s next, genius?”

Ah yes. That wonderful liminal space where disorientation and fear can loom large.

But yet it is a place of freedom where you can explore a larger, more inclusive world.

Not to be mistaken for being stuck. A liminal space is transition. It is the passage way to growth and wholeness.

Reflecting on the changes I’ve made because of re-examining the beliefs I’ve held and finding the lie in them has been terrifying but also life giving.

My kids got an individualized education that contributed to the amazing young adults they’ve grown up to be. All three highly educated, curious and loving individuals.

Leaving my church paradigm was exactly what my soul needed. I found a more gracious, expansive worldview and life that feeds my soul.

And the death of my marriage? I believe letting go of it allowed for a new relationship to fill my heart with joy and happiness. Something that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

His name is Tom.

I know little about Buddhism but one thing I understand and appreciate is their recognition of the transient state of EVERYTHING. Nothing is permanent. Quit trying to hang your hat on absolutes. It’s an illusion.

Except for what isn’t an illusion. And this is the belief that I continue to cling to: love and connection are the foundation that holds everything together.

What if all these painful transitions are there to help us escape the illusions and grasp this larger Truth?

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to buy me a coffee.