Should You Stay in a Marriage After Infidelity?

A question you need to ask… but not too soon

The day my then-husband confessed his infidelity to me was the day a line of demarcation was drawn in my life. Before infidelity/After infidelity. Old Theresa/New Theresa. Trusting Theresa/Betrayed Theresa.

To say it gobsmacked me still doesn’t capture the magnitude of that moment. I was so flooded with emotion that I literally bolted from the marriage therapist’s office and screamed/cried my way to the woods.

The therapist called me shortly after to make sure I hadn’t offed myself. God knows, if my thinking were clearer, I may have considered that.

But at the moment, I was just too overcome with grief, rage, and disbelief.

I hadn’t seen it coming. There were niggling suspicions that his long periods of absence were concerning, but I dismissed those concerns before they could develop and wake me from my ignorance is bliss slumber.

I knew about the earlier emotional affair with another woman. That had gone on for over a year. She was young enough to be our daughter.

He stonewalled me whenever I tried to discuss this. It was incredibly painful, but paled in the face of his disclosure of the torrid affair with his yoga instructor. (Seriously? Could this have been more unoriginal?)

The shock waves took my breath away. And then there was the rush of negative self-talk.

Welcome to the world of infidelity, you foolish, naïve, idiot. How could I have missed the signs? What the hell is the matter with me? What did I do to drive him into the arms of another woman?

I would learn that this initial reaction is typical. There was anger toward him, but I think I had more anger toward myself for being such a chump.

Welcome to the initial days after a such D-day (that’s an abbreviation for Disclosure Day in infidelity land.) He had the courtesy to disclose on the real D-Day, December 7, a day that will live in infamy in my shattered heart.

I was in a fog. This was my marriage. He was my best friend. My soul mate. My lover. My safe place.

And in an instant, that was all gone. Everything came into question. Was his affection for me fake? Was our marriage real? Was it all based on lies? What can I believe now?

Oh, I knew our marriage was in big trouble. Some things he said put me on red alert. The biggest thing? He said he didn’t know if he believed in marriage anymore. There were other red flag comments, but I don’t want to dig into those.

I too had growing unhappiness. We both had done a lot of changing in our 33 years together and it was clear our paths were diverging.

Hindsight always brings more insight, yes?

But here we are. And the question staring at me was this:

Do I stay married to this man after he has betrayed me?

But this question is premature when the shock waves are crashing over the break wall. You must tend to the immediate needs first.

These are the first steps I took, with help and guidance from other women who’ve gone through betrayal. Please note, if there is any sort of abuse, this does not apply. GET OUT of the situation and find help from a women’s shelter or loved ones IMMEDIATELY.

First, feel all the feels. Grieve. Rage. Cry. Scream. It hurts like hell, but if you immediately reach for alcohol or some other numbing agent, you only stall the healing process.

And for the love of God, do not diminish your suffering with “at least” statements. At least she didn’t get pregnant. At least it’s not as bad as Sally’s situation. At least he broke it off. At least, at least…

This is your mind trying to process the unthinkable. We try to rationalize it, I think, in an effort to bypass the mountain of emotional pain.

Then there are more tormenting questions.

Can I still breathe? How do I live? Would it be easier to just kill myself to escape this pain? How could he do this?

Understand there is a swirl of emotions and many of them are conflicting. I love him. I hate him. I was furious but also felt compassion. Talk about feeling bipolar.

Oh dear, beloved one. The only way out is through.

Which brings me to my next point.

Second, reach out for support but be selective of whom you pick. While it may feel good to rally the troops with flaming pitchforks to throw the bastard out, this offers limited help. I didn’t want angry energy coming from my supporters. I had enough of that on my own. And sure, a little cathartic bitch session is helpful, but that is not where I wanted to stay.

I gathered my supporters: friends in real life and an online support group. I requested no trash talking the hubs and please, no advice. At this stage, you’re just so overwhelmed that the last thing you need is another log on the bonfire of rage and suggestions on what to do.

My deepest spiritual belief is that love is the only true healing agent. And this is how I wanted to handle it. (But I’m going to emphasize again, this does not mean the feelings of rage are suppressed. Ya gotta feel it to heal it.)

My therapist and spiritual director provided the professional help I needed.

Here is the next step I learned. It’s solid wisdom.

Third, take extra good care of yourself. I learned through the support group, to create a “calming kit.” This was a bag of goodies I would reach for when I was just too overwhelmed. My kit included things like a scented lavender candle, a peaceful playlist on Spotify, a fluffy blanket to hug and cry into, and dark chocolate.

The value of exercise cannot be understated either. Those stress hormones need some relief and exercise can counterbalance those. Even a walk around the block will do you good.

I’ve already talked about having a therapist but it’s worth repeating here. Your mental and emotional health have taken a massive hit, and it’s going to take professional help to heal.

Finally, make forgiveness a goal. This is a huge order, I know. But I urge you to make this a goal in your recovery. Don’t rush it. And by the way, this means forgiveness for yourself, too. (Remember all those awful initial thoughts I had toward myself that I mentioned?)

Forgiveness is a process. It is not a “one and done” declaration. It takes time and a commitment to doing your inner work.

This is especially important if there are kids. Having an adversarial relationship with your fellow parent can be detrimental to the kids. I am grateful my kids are all adults. But even still, they won’t hear me shit talking their dad. (Okay, maybe I’ve taken a few swipes!)

It has been almost three years since my horrible day and I can testify that the forgiveness gets easier as the pain softens and heals. I must still regularly remind myself to choose forgiveness. Especially when I get triggered or I want to ruminate on the negative shit.

And now this brings me back to the should you stay in the marriage question.

You may have well-meaning loved ones encourage you to fly the coop yesterday.

When it’s time to evaluate this question in your situation, you will know. I will share with you the criteria I used.

There are no cut and dry answers. Every couple is different. Every situation is unique.

I agonized for months before concluding that divorce was the most merciful and healthful decision I could make.

In my next article, I’ll cover the criteria I used in coming to this decision.

Meanwhile, dear ones, if your heart has been shredded by the woodchipper of infidelity, know that you are not alone. The statistics are horrifying and that’s only the numbers that are reported.

I hope you can draw some comfort by my saying, you WILL get through this. And for the love of all things holy, embrace this truth: You did not deserve to be betrayed.

Most importantly: You are loved. And I love you too.

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.