Should You Stay or Go After There’s Been Infidelity?

and the huge clarifying question that helped me

My world imploded on December 7, 2020 when my husband of nearly 33 years confessed his infidelity. There was a part of me that wanted to say, “fuck this shit, I’m outta here,” there was another part that very much wanted to heal our marriage. After all, I still loved this man. Talk about conflict!

And of course, if you allow, there will be plenty of people offering their advice and opinions. Most of those thoughts will be, “Duh, divorce.”

This stirs up an incredible amount of angst. The question “Should you stay or go after infidelity?” actually depends upon the answers to many other questions. This is more nuanced and complicated than choosing between home fries or hash browns at the local diner for breakfast.

The other thing that makes this difficult is the fact that this is so deeply emotional. Especially while trying to process the trauma of betrayal.

This is not a decision to make with your head alone. You must consult with your heart. For me, this was by far the most agonizing decision I have ever made. Yes, worse than deciding to discontinue life support for my brother. Worse than the maze of decisions you must make with a cancer diagnosis.

Under the category of “Horrible Decisions I Must Make”, this one took far more than the cake. It included a fucking bakery.

It’s a bigly question. I’m going to break down the other questions within the question and hopefully, you will gain some clarity and confidence on your course of action.

Let’s go.

First, is there communication?

There is so much shame and pain around infidelity, it is easy to shut down communication. It requires a willingness to engage in the difficult discussions.

One thing I learned was when a partner goes astray, they are seeking to live an unlived life. They are also acting out the problems of the marriage. Unless there is a sex addiction, I don’t believe anyone wakes up one morning and says, “Gee! Think I’ll go free range with my libido.”

A willingness to discuss the nitty gritty is essential and is not for the faint of heart. I recommend a marriage therapist to guide these discussions.

Without opening the wounds and getting EVERYTHING out on the table, the marriage will continue to suffer.

Listening deeply and speaking with a heart toward healing is imperative. (This is important even if you decide you need to end the marriage.)

For me, communication was faltering. I was willing to dig in, he stonewalled. This response I found is not uncommon. There is a lot of shame and judgement on the cheater, which doubly makes communication from their end more difficult.

Is there a willingness to forgive?

Forgiving infidelity is difficult, but it is possible. It often involves letting go of anger and resentment and a willingness to rebuild trust. This also goes both ways. Is the husband willing to forgive the wife for the wounds he has been harboring (and may use those wounds as justification to stray)?

I want to emphasize another reminder here: No one, NO ONE, deserves to be cheated on. I don’t care what offenses they have committed, there is never justification for betrayal.

If it’s so awful, Mr. Cheater, get a fucking divorce first.

Forgiveness needs to be an intentional choice. This includes forgiving yourself for feeling like you did something that drove him to the behavior.

Forgiveness needs to be practiced every. single. day.

What’s the pattern of behavior? Was it a drunken one-night stand after the company Christmas party? A 6-month fling with the barista triggered after a traumatic event in the family? Or is he a serial philanderer?

There must be full disclosure, even knowing that it will tear your heart into confetti over again.

I have a few friends that had the misfortune of marrying a sex addict unaware. While my spiritual beliefs tell me that there is always hope for reform and transformation, this area is tough for me.

Personally, I’d move on with haste if this is the case. I’ve heard too many stories of women granted the gift of STDs through their husband’s uncontrolled dick. Not to mention surprise children.

Do they have remorse? This was a hell no answer for me. He seemed angry that friends were rallying to my aid, and he felt misunderstood.

I’m sorry. He cannot be both perpetrator and victim. Certainly, there is a time for unpacking the events and his decisions leading up to the betrayal, but in the immediate aftermath, I’m sorry. No soup for you.

Genuine remorse or the absence thereof is a helpful signpost.

Are they willing to be accountable? Is he willing to turn his phone over to you to check text messages? Get into a group that provides accountability? Regular check ins?

Is he resistant to these actions? If he’s truly come clean and vows to never again stray, he will humbly agree.

This was another indicator for me it was time to go our separate ways. He made stabs at accountability, but I felt there was smoldering resentment. This also showed to me the lack of understanding for the catastrophic damage of his choices.

Can trust be rebuilt? This was a very tough question. I was very trusting of him and believed his every word. As I took stock of the amount of lying and betrayals, it became a hard no for me.

I especially hate the impact of this on me, even though we divorced. I am working on this, but in my heart of hearts, there is a level of distrust and suspicion that wasn’t there before. Can I trust anyone anymore?

Learning to trust on a good day can be a tall order. Learning to trust the man who betrayed you is even taller.

How is your health? If staying in the marriage is affecting your physical and/or emotional health, that is a sign. My body was screaming at me the last few years we were together. IBS, a return of fibromyalgia symptoms, anxiety through the roof, etc.

I am convinced the stress of our final years together helped set the stage for breast cancer.

Your body offers wisdom. Listen to it.

What about the kids? If you have children, their well-being should be a primary consideration.

While our kids are adults now, we still discussed the implications for them. I wept when I learned that even adult children are affected when parents divorce. They are more prone to divorce themselves and more prone to having trust issues.

The other question within this question-do you tell the kids or not about the infidelity? My initial reaction was to not tell the kids. But as the aftershocks wore off, I felt compelled to let them in on it. I was fucking tired of secrets. Nor did I want the kids to think that mom just got pissed off one day and filed for divorce.

We endeavored to model the “till death do us part” value to our kids, so it was especially devastating to me and I felt like a failure.

What are the financial considerations? Holy fuck. This was a HUGE, terrifying speed bump for me. He was the main breadwinner for most of our marriage. I have no pension, very little social security, and oh yeah, I’m in my late fifties. The idea of supporting myself on my own was (and still is) terrifying.

For me, the nightmare only got worse after the divorce was finalized. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was without an income for a year. (Friends and loved ones rallied around me with a Gofund me campaign that would get me through the year.)

Consult with a financial advisor, even if you have no finances over which to consult. Is he able and willing to pay alimony/spousal support?

It’s funny (not funny), I had a friend ask why I would seek alimony. It gobsmacked me. Um, how about the decades I spent laboring for no pay, not to mention the work I did in our businesses?

It is easy to diminish the value of a stay-at-home mom in today’s culture. There are no social security benefits accruing, no pension, no career building.

Take a hard look at the numbers. Take stock of any programs that can help you. (Going on food stamps was one of the most humbling things I’ve ever done.) Take advantage of any help available.

This is also where you may need to get an attorney to discuss division of assets and alimony. This was not an issue for me…there were simply no assets to divide.

And finally, the question my heart answered and provided me with clarity:

Will staying in this marriage help me fulfill my life’s purpose? Yeah. This is a big existential question since most of us wonder “What is my life’s purpose?” For me, the short answer is I am here to help and encourage others.

When I pondered this question, it was clear I could not stay. It was taking all my energy simply to survive. And being in my late 50s, I am aware of life’s brevity.

I realized it was time to stop CPR and call it.

I think he was trying to find his path as well. And our paths were diverging. It was time to end this relationship.

Finally, know that as you sit with these questions, the answers may change from day to day. I often felt like a dog chasing my tail. I could argue either side of the painful dilemma. Practical considerations can give you only so much information.

It is so important to tune into what your heart is saying. But how the hell do you tune into your heart when the thoughts are clattering about in your head like pots and pans in a busy diner?

Working with a coach or a spiritual director can be a powerful addition to your work with a therapist. Neither of these is ever a substitute for therapy.

Ultimately, there is no roadmap to follow. Scary, I know.

Sure, consider the signposts. But know this is a journey that calls for a compass.

In your heart, there is a faithful North Star that will not steer you wrong.

Take extra good care of yourself and take your time with the questions.

It is possible to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. It will take a lot of work

It is also possible to separate and/or divorce and find happiness alone. This too will take a lot of work.

No simple answers, dammit!

But through time and gentle inquiry, you will know.

Through it all, please remember above all that you are loved.

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.