Stay-at-Home Moms: Who Pays the Hidden Costs?

Even childless cat ladies (who aren’t Taylor Swift) can be affected

I loved staying at home to raise my kids. This included homeschooling for several years and helping my husband with his accounting practice. I usually had a side hustle to generate needed extra cash. (This included freelance writing, life coaching, professional organizing, flipping cars, and a cookie business.)

As I read about young moms who happily embrace marriage and parenting as their calling, I commend you.

I place high value on the commitment and while I still believe young children benefit from having a stay-at-home mom, I realize this is not the path for everyone. Nor do I believe it is even possible for some, no matter how much they’d like to stay home. This is often because of economic factors among others.

The financial challenges for all women

Stay at home, career, or the choice to be childless. It’s all good. And all are worthy of living a life free from financial lack. But because we’re women, this is a goal fraught with many obstacles.

For instance. Women who have careers still earn $.70 on the dollar as their male counterparts. They will still do the lion’s share of housework and childcare.

Life for stay-at-home moms

But I want to talk to you who are stay-at-home moms because your needs differ and require being proactive regarding your future.

Let’s start with a glimpse into their world.

For starters, moms that spend the entire day wiping bottoms and chasing toddlers often run on empty. Thankfully, groups like the MOMS club or homeschool groups can meet some of the social needs.

Then there is the daily self-doubt marinade we stew in. So-called parenting experts that call into the question the smallest decisions we make. My daily prayer often went, “God, I hope I’m not screwing up my kids.”

And unless your spouse is pulling in big bucks, managing the budget and making it work is a whole other stressor.

Medical appointments are no longer just medical appointments, especially if you have a child with any special needs or learning differences. When one of my kids was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, I researched the hell out of the related topics and often shocked medical people at how informed I was, sometimes even more than they were. (It didn’t hurt that I was a nurse.)

You can see the progression of my family stages by what you’d find on my bookshelf, from the classic “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” to “Parenting With Love and Logic.”

Homeschooling called for educating myself on learning styles, dealing with spectrum differences, and the annual review of curricula.

Even with a supportive spouse, most of these tasks were mine.

I hope it gives you a peek into the realities of the unpaid workload of moms.

Calculating the cost of women’s unpaid labor

I did a quick consult with Chat GPT on the financial value of a stay-at-home mom. The roles and salary ranges for the following tasks included:

· Childcare: Nanny $15–20/hour

· Housekeeping: Median wage $15/hour

· Chef: $25–30/hour (I will concede general kitchen workers make much less.)

· Driver: $18/hour (Oh, to get an Uber for such a low rate!)

· Personal Assistant: $20/hour (Includes family scheduling, appointments, household admin, etc.)

· Tutoring: $25/hour (I think this estimate is low, especially if they’re homeschooling more than one child.)

· Family Business Support: $25/hour (We tried to adjust things so I would have an income for my work in the business, but things were often so tight financially, my work was pro bono.)

The annual salary that would be paid, based upon modest time estimates, (because we know moms will spend far more time than 40/hours a week on childcare) comes to… the drumroll please:

$113,000

I was married for nearly 33 years. A good 20 of those years were spent raising kids, homeschooling and working on our businesses. If I had been paid market rate for those years, let’s see… calculating…

Holy shit.

No retirement for you, Slackard!

Glad I didn’t have a mouthful of coffee because, honestly, I have never looked at these numbers before.

$2,260,000

And that’s just for 20 years and doesn’t include side hustles

Next, I asked ChatGPT to calculate what retirement income (social security and a 401(k) with max contributions) would look like based on a $113,000 annual salary, for 20 years.

I’ll spare you the gobbly gook details beyond my understanding (like “future value of annuities”). Besides, I’m a bottom-line sort of gal.

The projected retirement income would be… again, the drumroll please…

$90,000 per year.

For those seated in the back, that’s NINETYTHOUSAND DOLLARS.

I realize this is a meta view and understand there are a gazillion factors that can make the numbers higher or lower.

But hell, I’d be happy with half that amount. And thanks to my ninja budgeting skills, I’d be living high on the hog with $45K.

Hello, women living in poverty

My reality is less rosy and is one shared with around 2.5 million senior women. That’s 10–12% of women aged 65 and older. (Numbers pulled from the U.S. Census Bureau and the National Institute on Retirement Security.)

In contrast, 7% of senior men live in poverty.

Factors cited for the disparity include:

· Women live longer.

· Women have lower lifetime earnings. (Remember: They make .70 for each dollar a man earns in the same job.)

· Because of lower earnings, social security is less.

· Women often outlive their spouses, which means buh-bye to any social security the husband was receiving.

· In the case of divorce, the non-breading winning spouse is only entitled to half of the breadwinner’s social security. (This does not affect their amount at all.)

The magnitude of these factors is much higher for homemakers who stayed home for 20+ years become 50-something divorced woman.

Add in the lack of affordable housing and overall increasing prices of all goods and services. Especially health care.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that in 2023, out of 146 countries, the US ranks 43 on a list of the best countries for women. Yay, ‘Murica!

The financial reality of serious illness

Since breast cancer treatment two years ago, I have limped along from the sale of my mobile home. Medicaid covers the out of pocket not covered by my insurance. EBT puts food on the table.

And this is while I wait on a disability determination. Since breast cancer, the lingering health issues seriously compromise my ability to work consistently. (I was already denied once and am hoping the review, which is taking months due to a backlog, will be in my favor.)

If I do qualify, the amount will be meager since it is based upon recent work history.

To say this has been a humbling process is an understatement. It feels very vulnerable to write about this even, especially since welfare recipients have been vilified as “welfare queens” among other derogatory slurs. I have always considered myself a hard worker and never in a million years did I think I’d arrive at my 60s in this shape. (However, I am grateful to still be here after cancer!)

And it’s also given me a front-row seat to what happens when social safety nets are slashed in favor of feeding the war machinery and giving tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy.

Navigating this is challenging, to say the least. Especially because I know the stress is a risk factor for cancer recurrence.

This also makes me hopping mad. I am but one person trying to stay afloat in a sea of financial insecurity. And don’t you dare tell me your political party is oriented to family values because I will suck all the air outta the room yelling BULLSHIT.

I can name several women who are in equally precarious situations who DID have a career or who are now in a non-paid, full-time care-giving role with their spouses, spouses who, when they pass, will cut their income in half.

Solutions to women’s financial precarity

We need social safety nets. We need to recognize the value of the unpaid labor of women. We need to quit throwing rocks at welfare recipients and realize these issues are SYSTEMIC and not an individual moral failing.

And for you women who are staying at home, I offer special words of advice.

Make sure the breadwinning spouse is setting aside money for your own 401(k).

Fer-the-love of God, make sure the breadwinning spouse has life insurance. Cannot understate this if you have minor children.

Keep a foot in the working world if possible. Or at least keep yourself up to date on the changes in your field.

Trust your gut on the health of your marriage. If you feel like things are falling apart, I encourage you to take a serious look sooner than later. I know far too many women who say, “I wish I had divorced sooner.”

Don’t allow fear to keep you from taking action if your marriage is beyond repair. This is a reason why non-bread winning spouses stay put… to their own detriment.

In the case of a nasty divorce, get the meanest junk-yard-dog variety of attorney if there are assets. Hopefully, your divorce isn’t of the cage fighting variety but at the minimum, understand and assert your worth when it comes to divvying up assets. It is both stunning and disgusting at how I’ve seen women get the shaft from vindictive former spouses. Especially when they were homemakers and “didn’t earn anything.”

I will say this until I’m blue in the face: Get your affairs in order. NOW. There are plenty of people of all ages who drop dead unexpectantly every.single.day.

In marriage or after divorce, get your fucking will done!

Insist on it. And if you are divorced, make sure there are provisions for you.

I’m watching one situation right now where a friend of mine is in a care-giving role while an asshole adult child is angling to make sure any inheritance goes to her, while doing little to help her bedridden dad.

Another critical action: consult with a financial professional. My friend, Veronica, is such a professional. Her business, Wise Women Prosper, is specifically focused on the financial well-being of women.

But I don’t have any money, you might say. This is all the more reason to reach out for help.

Conclusion — We must mobilize and take action together

This is such a huge and multi-faceted issue and we need to understand the bigger picture in the context of the individuals struggling to survive. And yes, this affects us all in terms of how it weakens the fabric of our country. Both financially and by dividing us.

We need to recognize how we are being divided through the negative narratives. We need more understanding and compassion and less, “I got mine through hard work so screw the rest of you” judgment.

Social safety nets need to be restored. But these changes will take generations as the erosion has been taking place for decades.

Finally, my fellow sisters, well, here’s where I turn to you. What are the solutions for us? I absolutely believe we have the wisdom and know-how on what to do. How do we connect, mobilize, and address these needs?

This is why I am writing on these topics. Beyond voting, there is little I can do to affect policies. But I can raise awareness with a pinch of ruckus thrown in. (I don’t consider myself a social warrior as I am also writing as a professional in need of an income!)

We women deserve better. It’s not only good for us, but also for the future of the country.

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