The Great Transfer of Shit is Underway
Why don't we deal with our stuff?
Are you going to inherit a mess?
Heard about the great transfer of wealth from baby boomers to the millennials? Great Uncle Charles dies and leaves behind his fortune to his only remaining blood relative, or to a cat shelter. The topic can make for a good murder mystery too, especially if that cat shelter’s getting what was rightfully due, in the eyes of the great nephew, Finn.
But it also reminds us again of this eternal truth: you can’t take it with you.
Chances are pretty good I won’t experience any windfalls from distant relatives, but I have a lot of experience with the other type of great transfer that is taking place.
I refer to it as The Great Transfer of Shit. And if your parents are baby boomers, there is a good chance that THIS is the great transfer you will experience after they pass.
It’s sort of like the booby prize of inheritances. Sorry bout that. I hope you have a strong back.
I’m talking about the 40 years of accumulation in the attic. And that garage that hasn’t been empty since Reagan was in office? Yup… it’s all yours! But it’s not just physical stuff behind either.
After someone passes, there’s a lot of paperwork that needs to happen. More often than not, this creates another level of nightmare for the surviving loved ones. How on earthy can you wrap up affairs when they’ve used the Hurricane Filing System for important papers?
I’ve been a professional organizer for many years and I have seen first-hand the grief and anger caused by The Great Transfer of Shit.
Sure, I’ve laughed at the cartoon where a man is standing in front of his open garage, stuffed to the brim, and he tells his son, “One day, this will all be yours.”
Joking aside, I can assure you the kids sure aren’t laughing when they are the recipients of TGTOS.
And it’s something I’ve seen time and time again through my work as a professional organizer. Parents die and the kids inherit the hassle and expense of emptying the house.
These situations stir both compassion and anger with me. Compassion for the kids and anger toward the parents for not dealing with their 50-year pile-o-stuff. But I also feel compassion for the parents too. Especially if they are elderly and in frail health. But let’s set the emotions aside and figure out the path forward. Starting with the underlying beliefs that drive the resistance to letting go.
Why do we hang onto so much stuff?
Breaking up is hard to do, as the 60’s pop hit goes. And while the song is about unrequited love, I have observed how this is applicable to how we become attached to our stuff and fear its loss. I mean, who wants to feel blue, fer-Pete’s-sake?
Don’t take your love away from me!
Don’t you leave my heart in misery?
If you go, then I’ll be blue!
The art of surrender is not something encouraged in modern society. Letting go is treated as loss, if not a moral failing. It is driven by our fear of loss.
But yet, life is about loss as much as it is about renewal. You can’t have one without the other. Life is a timeless waterwheel, with water both inflowing and outflowing. And so is the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth.
We can acknowledge this truth but we still resist. Who in their right mind wants grief and loss, right?
The physical aging process alone brings a sense of loss. A 70-year-body cannot do the things it did easily in their 20s. But yet we all know someone (looking at you, male of the species,) who stubbornly climbs a ladder despite their doctor’s warning, only to earn a ride to the ER.
It’s the same thing with the reluctance to empty out the garage. Selling the bandsaw that hasn’t been used for 20 years requires admitting you are no longer able to do the wood working you enjoyed in earlier years.
Letting go of the dusty crib that you had hoped would go on to future generations, means acknowledging that your kids don’t want to have kids themselves. And this too is a loss of your dream of being a grandparent.
There are other emotions too. Items with sentimental value can spark intense guilt, as though they are betraying the long-deceased relative who entrusted them with a box of trinkets that has remained unopened for 30 years.
One of former clients shed many tears over parting with a moth-eaten throw. To anyone else, it was a tattered old cloth, but to her, it was a comfort item her sister clung to when she was dying. (When I am organizing, I consider these sort of moments as Sacred Moments.) It was hard for her to release it but she was ready. The relief she felt afterward reminded me of why I love doing this work.
The other big elephant in the room-the shit we don’t talk about-is this:
We are all going to die.
Poof! Just like that, one day, we will draw our last breath. It’s a topic we need to accept this fact and get comfortable discussing it.
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately. Perhaps it’s because I’m no spring chicken, being 60 as of this writing. Or that I am a breast cancer survivor.
Death is the final surrender for us. It is not something we can just pass by and collect $200. But yet we resist this at all costs too. (Just look at the number of products sold to maintain a youthful appearance.)
And of course, this is reflected in our reluctance to release our grip on the stuff.
I wish I could transport people into the future so they could look back and see the peace and freedom they can find after letting go. But dang it, the parts needed for my time machine are on back order with no projected date for shipment.
But for those who chose to ignore the need to let go, they will likely experience more grief and perhaps even injury.
Trying to avoid loss brings more loss
Avoiding suffering only brings more suffering. This is why all the great spiritual teachers remind us that the path to peace and joy is also a path of acceptance of what is, not what we wish it was.
We miss out on some of life’s richest rewards when we avoid loss. Carl Jung believed that when we try to avoid suffering, it only brings more suffering. “What you resist, persists,” he wisely said.
When we resist, we are also resisting personal growth and the opportunity for your True Self to shine forth.
Such unresolved internal conflict can eventually turn into physical and or mental health problems. To quote Jung again, “Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.” (I betcha you know a few neurotic people.)
We lose sight of meaning and purpose when we’re busy grasping that which needs to be released. Is our short time here on earth about accumulating stuff and earning bragging rights for our accomplishments?
To me, there are few things sadder than a 70-something who can’t differentiate between a life of doing versus a life being. They are still reliving their high school football glory days. Or those who define the worth of their life by the number of possessions they have or the number of initials after their name.
The other thing that happens when we avoid confronting our pain, we will most likely project them on to others. By externalizing the internal struggle, we never have to accept responsibility for why we’re stuck.
Ultimately, I believe the biggest price we pay is spiritual disconnection. Not only from our Source, but also with others and ourselves. This can lead to overwhelming emptiness or a sense of purposelessness.
I realize these factors seem airy-fairy but they call to mind our humanity and that we are much more than what we have or do.
In the practical realm, by refusing to let go, you will leave behind a mess for someone else to clean up. Is this really the legacy you want to leave behind for your kids? (Even though I acknowledge having met some people who had a vendetta towards their kids and felt no obligation to deal with it. How very sad.)
Conclusion
If you are facing the herculean task of decluttering, rightsizing or cleaning out an estate, I hope it can encourage you to better understand the resistance you may feel in doing what is necessary.
This is both physical and emotional labor and the struggle is real. Honor that struggle. By doing so, you are honoring yourself, your humanity, and your loved ones.
Next week, I’ll continue on this topic starting with another big question that is more lighthearted. And that question is:
What will you gain?
Until then, remember to take your Adderall and then go declutter something! You can do it!
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