Tips for Surviving Financial Instability After Divorce

Navigating Your New Financial Reality

When the weight of the world is just too much

I had a conversation with other day with a woman in similar circumstances as me. Divorced later in life. Struggling with health issues. Unable to work at the level she needs in order to support herself. And oh yeah, no social security or pension since her earning years were spent raising the family.

But one sentence she said brought tears to my eyes.

I sometimes wish I could just die because it’s just all too much.

I see you, dear soul. I have felt the same thing a time or two. And I suspect we are in good company.

It’s tempting, very tempting, to give into hopelessness. Not exactly an effective strategy especially since we still gotta eat.

Joan Baez offers a good better strategy: “Action is the antidote to despair.”

So, let’s talk about things that we CAN control as we navigate your new financial reality.

First identify what you can’t control

It is so very important that we don’t spend precious energy and time trying to control that which is beyond our control. The inverse of this is acceptance. Think Serenity Prayer.

You can’t control your former spouse’s behavior. You can’t stop the march of time and the aging process. (This has been very frustrating to me because inside, I have the same ambition and drive I had when I was in my 20s.)

Along that line, it can be hard to stop angry ruminating thoughts. “I never dreamed I would be here at this stage in life.” Yeah. But here we are. And it sucks. But stewing in the rage will not bring any change other than robbing you of your precious energy. You can’t change the past. I know, I know, you’d make different decisions if you could.

You can’t control what others think of you. Personally, I feel very wealthy in the friend department. My circle of loved ones have been very supportive of my journey. But I know for other women, this is not the case. Friends reveal themselves to be fair weather friends only. Or worse, you may feel being judged. Let it go. They are not worth your energy.

Things what you can do

Okay, now that you’ve identified what you can’t control, let’s talk about practical steps. Some of these ideas may not apply to you, but perhaps it can spark other ideas.

The most important first step is to take a look at your finances. Take stock of every penny, every asset. Pull a free credit report from Credit Karma. Compile a list of debts.

That b word — budget

Make a budget! The easier, the better. Don’t sweat about trying to put it into a spreadsheet, unless that is your thing. Keep it simple, a pen and paper are all you need.

There are plenty of easy budgeting tools out there that can be helpful but for right now, only list out all your expenses and any income. I encourage you to track your expenses for a month so you can get a clear picture of what’s going out the door. You may discover you’ve been paying on gym membership you haven’t used in years. One man I know, discovered he had been paying on an accidental death insurance policy… for over 40 years. He had no idea it was just for accidental death. You may find similar ghost expenses that can be halted, like streaming services that you subscribed to but no longer use.

Getting all your cards on the table is crucial. I know it’s scary as hell but I promise you, NOT looking at these things will only make things worse.

Housing considerations

Even if you got the family home free and clear in the divorce settlement, it may be more of a burden if you can’t afford the upkeep and taxes. Try not to make any hasty decisions on this if you can take the time.

If it’s clear you can’t afford the home, you have a few options.

Sell the home, use the money to live off. This can be especially appealing if a smaller home would be more suited to your new stage in life. I strongly recommend consulting with a financial planner if you are considering this route. I especially love financial planners who focus on women, like my friend Veronica.

Rent out a room or two. Think Golden Girls. I realize this is not an option many would rather never consider. But it can cut your expenses in half. Thoroughly screen prospective roomies. I’ve joked with my kids over the years that if they ever want to ruin a perfectly good friendship, become roommates.

Being with a friend is a LOT different than living with one!

If there are income-based apartments, get on their waiting list. They will likely tell you they are 2–5 years out but don’t let that stop you from getting on the list. Things happen and you may be surprised at a door opening sooner than expected.

Scout out services in your area

First, check out 211.org. This is a hub that can connect you to local resources ranging from rent assistance to mental health services. They can also help you with applying for Medicaid and EBT (foodstamps). And speaking of government assistance…

Applying for Medicaid and EBT was both emotional and humbling. I felt angry at finding myself in this position. The bureaucratic hoops are designed to be difficult so getting the paperwork done is a pain in the ass. Especially if you have ADHD. That quickly shifted into gratitude however, especially after breast cancer. While I have private insurance, there are still a lot of costs not covered and when one has a cancer history, those costs can sky rocket.

Ditto for EBT. My grocery budget has always been modest and my years as a full-time homemaker honed my ability to shop and cook on a dime. The money that would be spent on groceries can be redirected into other bills. Even the modest amount I received covers my monthly grocery costs.

The sense of shame I felt over receiving these benefits has long been replaced by gratitude.

The United Way and many churches have various ways they may assist you.

While you are doing your scouting, I encourage you to sign up for every food pantry available to you. During Covid, the park where I lived were offered a box of free box food on a weekly basis. What a godsend it was, especially before I got on EBT. The people working there were kind and supportive as well, no shame, no judgement.

Can you get something for nothing? Why, yes, you can!

When you don’t have resources, become resourceful. What do I mean by that? Get creative when looking for things you need but can’t afford.

Again, back to my full-time homemaker days, I used Craigslist deals to furnish our home, sell shit for a little extra money, generate gig work, flip cars and sell a few of our homes. I even wrote an eBook on the topic: Secrets of a Craigslist Ninja: How I turned $500 into $1500 in Three Days, Got a Free Dryer, and Sold a House.

Look for a local Buy Nothing Group on Faceboook for your area. I have been blown away by the kindness of strangers helping strangers. I’ve seen requests for everything from diapers and formula to wheelchairs, home furnishings, etc.

Craigslist has a free section as well but I have found Facebook Buy Nothing Groups are way more interactive and less spammy.

Need new clothes? Round up some of your friends and do a clothing swap. I’ve been to a few of these and they are a blast! Some people brought home décor as well. It’s a win/win. You part with stuff you no longer need and get new-to-you clothes. Plan to have some snackies on hand and prepare to have a great time.

Finally, don’t be afraid to put the word out with your friends. Hey! I’m in need of a…. and see what happens.

Make this your new super power

If there is one thing I have learned through my divorce and breast cancer and it is this: Never be afraid to ask for help. I swear there is something magical that happens when we ask for help or look for the helpers, as Mister Rogers wisely taught us.

I feel like the universe is just standing by with help when we take what feels like a humbling step and ask for help. Asking for help is becoming one of my super powers and I encourage you to make it one of yours as well.

Conclusion

I will be adding more on this topic in the days of ahead because there’s a lot to cover!

Ultimately, I would like to network with a bunch of other likeminded women so we can encourage one another through fellowship and sharing practical tips and needs through regular Zoom calls. My hope is that though creativity, strength, and love, we can support one another and maybe even day dream a little about a tiny house community or other cohousing options.

One thing I am confident of is the fact the government is very limited in the support we need. We must save ourselves. The though of that is terrifying alone. But connecting with other women could create a force to be reckoned with.

What about you? Would you be interested in Zoom calls on this topic? And as always, I welcome your comments and any tips you have found helpful on navigating life post-divorce.

Meanwhile, if no one has told you today please remember, YOU ARE LOVED. Your presence on this earth wasn’t an accident, there are people who need you, just like how others have helped you in the past.

See you in the next article!

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