The High Cost of Unpaid Labor for Women

Paying the Price for Not Being Paid

“We need to life flight you,” the doctor is saying. Tonight. We don’t have the specialist that you need, she continues. This is a matter of life or death, she’s saying.

Mary (not her real name), my dear friend, is tearing up. Her partner is taking in new information-the latest test revealed the situation was graver than originally thought. The cancer is moving fast. A tear silently rolls down his cheek and belies the poker face he is trying to maintain. He’s trying to be strong for her.

I am in this sacred space with my friends to offer emotional support and to interpret the medicalese when needed.

My thoughts flash back to my experience with breast cancer just two years ago. While my situation didn’t require 9–1–1 action, I recognized the maelstrom of emotions. Fear. Hope. Overwhelm. Maybe a little humor to release the pressure valve.

This is too fucking familiar, I muse. Living across the country is a Facebook friend, Emily, who is dealing with a similar situation. An aging husband in declining health has rendered him completely dependent on her ministrations, from turning in bed to toileting. It’s wearing down her own health.

Two different women. One same story. And legions more like it.

These are the unpaid heroes in health care. While a few men may care for a partner in declining health, the lion’s share of home health care mostly falls to the woman. Especially since insurance covers for little (or no) home health care.

They schedule the appointments, drive back and forth from appointments, sit for countless hours in waiting rooms, learn nursing skills I paid to learn in nursing school, fight with insurance companies, coordinate other care needs, do the shopping, make the meals, keep track of medications, keep vigil at the side of hospital beds (no small thing given skeletal staffing in for-profit medicine,) and, oh, dear god…it exhausts me just trying to capture the enormity of it all.

Countless women will do this day in and day out. And they will do it (mostly) with a smile. They are the glue holding things together. They are the emotional shock absorbers for their families and for society as a whole.

And they do it for free, often to their own physical, emotional, and economic peril.

This is a huge crisis that will only grow as baby boomers, unprepared for retirement and age-related health conditions.

The outrageous cost of medical care, the loss of any safety nets for single moms or widowed partners, stagnating wages, soaring housing costs… it’s a fine fettle for sure.

On top of it all is the unspoken expectation that someone will figure it out. That someone is usually the woman. They will figure out the childcare for their children while assisting their aging parents.

On the other hand, it’s not so unspoken anymore. When I heard Vice Presidential hopeful JD Vance’s tone-deaf response to the skyrocketing costs of childcare, I wanted to scream at his ignorance.

“One of the ways that you may be able to relieve a little bit of pressure on people who are paying so much for daycare is, make it so that, maybe like grandma or grandpa wants to help out a little bit more, or maybe there’s an aunt or uncle who wants to help out a little bit more,” Vance said.

What planet is he from?

Let’s see. The US poverty rate is 12.5%. Wages are stagnating. Stable jobs that offer benefits are getting swapped out for the gig economy. Home ownership is a pipe dream for young families. Child care costs can easily run $1,200/per child/month. Food insecurity affects nearly 13% of the US population.

Then there’s the fact that both Walmart and McDonald’s are among top employers of Medicaid and food stamp beneficiaries, all while these corporate giants continue to pull in banner profits.

And Vance is suggesting grandparents solve a problem brought on by greed and government bullshit. Now, of course, I am all for family helping family, but the problem in this economy is the rapacious greed of corporations who will stop at nothing to shift more and more of the inflated cost of goods and services onto the backs of working people.

Forget the cost of living. This is the cost of surviving. And many aren’t even doing that.

The middle class is being hollowed out while the top 3% grow richer.

Then let’s recall President Regan’s vilification of “welfare queens” and paint all struggling families with the same brush. Especially the single moms.

Next, let’s gaslight the struggling families and tell them if they just get up earlier, work harder and make better decisions, Bob’s your uncle and the world’s your oyster.

The economic struggle isn’t a moral failure, it’s how the card are stacked against you and if you’re not rich and powerful, you’re feeling the pinch.

The bridge is out ahead. And we continue to not only turn a blind eye on the growing needs of our most vulnerable citizens, we shame them and subject them to scrutiny and lengthy application processes for any pittance of help. (I think it’s about high time politicians and corporate leaders get drug tested as terms of their employment and placed on shitty insurance available to the average Joe.)

Little did I know I would shift from being an observer of these changes to experiencing firsthand the dark reality of these changes. As a college educated, hardworking woman, I never imagined landing where I am now at the age of 60.

But silly me. It’s my own damn fault after all. I spent my peak earning years not earning. I considered my labor of love for my family to be of inestimable value.

Long before the kids came along, my then-husband and I agreed we would be a “traditional” family, meaning he’d be the breadwinner and I would run the home. This would eventually encompass homeschooling our three children and doing various side gigs to supplement our one-income commitment in a two-income economy.

In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would end up divorced in my late fifties. Nor could I have imagined getting diagnosed with breast cancer five weeks after the divorce.

How could I have been so naïve stupid and neglectful? That is the refrain that has echoed over and over again in my head. Like that does a lot of good.

But my view has shifted significantly now. Placing blame on myself is misdirected, these issues are systemic. Take for example the fact that my social security earnings will be half of what my former spouse collects. This is inherently unfair and stacks the deck against women. And this is only one of the many issues.

Check out the book posted above. Another eye opener is the book, Invisible Women-Data Bias in a World Designed for Men.

We need systemic changes from the top down. And we need to stop vilifying those who are struggling with circumstances through no fault of their own.

Meanwhile, I know we women will continue doing what we do. Mary and Emily will continue caring for their loved ones; while hoping the stress of it doesn’t destroy their health.

It’s just what we women do. But it’s time for us to demand the changes we so desperately need. Your very life may depend on it.

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