The Unexpected Gifts of Infidelity and Divorce

There’s a right way and a wrong way to find the silver lining.

Have you heard the story of the ridiculously optimistic boy who daily vexed his dad with his ceaseless “look on the bright side” approach? He decided it was high time to break his child’s rosy outlook on life. (What an asshole, eh?)

One day, he tells his son to go to the barn and see the gift delivered for him.

With excitement, the boy opens the barn door and sees a pile of horse manure piled high and deep.

Undaunted by the sight and smell, a big grin spreads across his face and he begins to shovel the manure with gusto.

“There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!” he says.

And then there is that other annoying optimist, Pollyana, and her “glad game” approach to everything. Oh! Let’s see! How do I apply this regarding infidelity, divorce and subsequent breast cancer?

Uh, yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch. Unless of course, you’re heavily medicated into Happyland, er, make that, Numb-land. (My medication of choice was a bottle of merlot.)

As I reflect on the pile of shitty things in my life these past several years, I have not been busy looking for a pony or trying to gladden things up.

Good thing there was no Pollyanna around when my world came crashing down or I would have throat punched the little bitch. There was nothing to be glad about as I looked at the smoldering ruin that had once been my life.

But yet I knew that after the shock, rage, and grief, I would need to find the silver lining if I was going to allow this experience to transform me into becoming a wiser, more loving human.

My spiritual teachers and my own practices have taught me that the most painful trials are all an invitation to transformation… if we don’t fight it or give in to hopelessness or bitterness. Additionally, I remember the wise words of the esteemed Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

So how the hell do you do this when you are overwhelmed by heartache and difficulties? How do you dig into what’s left of your reserves to change yourself as Frankl challenges?

I’m so glad you asked. There are plenty of non-working strategies (Just try harder!) and vacuous tropes aplenty. (Positive Vibes Only!)

Here are three specific crappy approaches and why they don’t work.

Pollyanna toxic positivity approach This helps no one and only further pushes the pain deeper into the shadow. More often than not, the pile of shit in your life doesn’t have a pony in it. It’s just the nature of life. Shit happens.

It makes it even harder to accept when you’re dealing with the fallout from someone else’s poor or selfish decision. I think of one friend who had his entire pension wiped out because the company went belly up after the crooks at the top fucked up the company… but not before first getting their golden parachutes. At 72-years-of-age, he had to go back into the workforce. Sadly, there are so many other examples.

And then there is infidelity. This leaves a big old hob-nail boot print on what’s left of the shattered heart. The emotional injury is only one consequence. Single moms with young children bear the brunt of the catastrophic fallout. They end up trying to survive while the former hubby is busy wining and dining his latest catch. (He has the cash to do so since he isn’t sending any child support.) Oh, the stories I’ve seen and heard are both heartbreaking and enraging.

Now I absolutely believe that it is important to consider “the bright side” but with intelligent hope vs magical thinking.

But we must first look into the beady eyes of the damage and then figure out the best way to handle it.

Here’s another nonworking strategy:

The La-la-la-la, I can’t HEAR you approach (Denial) I’m fine. You’re fine. Everything is just fine! This is just a little hiccup. Keep silent and maybe it will just go away if I wait long enough. Sing it with me! Just keep swimming!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Hkn-LSh7es

Avoiding a decision is still a decision. Denial can also be taking the path of least resistance and hoping it all just works out okay. Lemme tell you, if you went to the bank for a loan on your new business idea and present your plan entitled as I-hope-this-works-out, you’d be shown the door. More often than not, simply hoping for something sans action yields…. nothing. Or worse, while you’ve been hoping for things to work out, things actually degrade further. (Ask me how I know, wink, wink.)

Action disables denial and brings change. Change is a two-sided coin.

On one side, you have an outside event that forces you to take action (or not). Think illness or any of the above life-altering scenarios. We get fired. Someone dies and leaves you with a mess to clean up. Bankruptcy.

To quote a verse in the Theresa version of the Bible: Shit happens.

These are circumstances that have suddenly burst into your life and you can’t stick your head in the sand. The irony, of course, is the fact that a time of crisis is about the worst time to make big decisions. Again, ask me how I know. <smile>

The other way change happens is way more empowering. I’m talking about intrinsic motivation. The desire for change comes from within you.

A fire is lit in your belly for you to do some big hairy-ass goal. It’s the man or woman who puts their foot down and says, NO MORE. I am changing the negative legacy that was handed down to me. Don’t get in front of such a person lest you get plowed over.

Sometimes it’s not a dramatic epiphany. You simply get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then you FINALLY start a fitness program, search for a better job, or end a relationship that is sucking the life out of you.

Still with me? Just one more to go.

The Spiritual bypassing approach. This is denial with a dollop of Scripture plopped on top, as though a big ole Crane that just flew overhead and dropped a load. (“God works all things for the good…) Or it could be placating words like, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And what’s so insidious about this can I turn the guns on myself, using Scripture to beat myself up for my shortcomings or blaming myself for not having enough faith.

My definition of faith has done a complete overhaul since my days of evangelical Christianity. I once believed that faith meant praying for the outcomes I desired. More often than not, my prayers ended with disappointment. The person dies. A wildfire consumes a home. And so on.

Well, one can never know the ways of the Lord, right?

Worse, the black and white thinking of evangelical Christianity can become dangerous. I’ve heard church leaders tell women in abusive relationships that they must stay married because God ordained marriage. Suck it up, Buttercup. This is your cross to bear.

Or they are shamed because, clearly, they don’t have enough faith. Or it’s suggested that their husband strayed because she wasn’t providing enough to support his emotional and/or sexual needs.

Just writing about this boils my blood. Especially because hardly a week goes by without some big-name leader in Christianity being caught sticking his dick where it doesn’t belong. The hypocrisy staggers me. (Check out the The Roys Report if you’re curious.)

Aaaaaaand oh my! Look at the time! Evidently, I had a lot to unpack over what doesn’t work.

Next article, I will share with you the approaches that have helped me find the silver lining after so much loss.

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