The Unexpected Gifts of Infidelity and Divorce Pt 2
Here are four strategies that can help find them
If you read my previous piece, you know I wrote about three UNhelpful ways to find the silver lining after infidelity and divorce. Here’s the link in case you didn’t. But first a caveat.
It Will Take Time You know that saying, “time heals all wounds?” Yeah. It’s bullshit. If time truly healed all wounds, amputated limbs (or breasts, for that matter) would grow back, soldiers suffering with PTSD would no longer have any issues, and addicts would be set free.
It’s one of those tired adages we parrot back and forth to one another when seeing someone in great pain. Let’s face it. We’re not too good at sitting with the suffering all around us because we’re not so good at dealing with our own pain. It’s easier to toss out a glib statement, put your blinders on, and move along. Or we simply armor up and become one of those hurt people that hurt people.
And what really sucks is when the difficulty you are dealing with was because of someone else’s behavior. It was not your fault. But healing is your responsibility. Ouch. File this one under what my dad used to say, “Honey, life isn’t fair.”
The passage of time can positively affect your healing if you do the necessary inner work. It is imperative. The trauma and wounds need love and attention. This does not happen by waiting passively in the sweet by and by. Healing is not a magical moment of restoration. (How nice would that be?) The process is ongoing and may take longer than you want.
How much time does it take? As long as it takes. Putting it on a timeline is sure to disappoint. Nor is it fair to compare to someone else with a similar story. This is not about who heals the quickest. I know how this plays out because it has been my experience, especially when I pressure myself. The dark self-talk reverberates in my head. What the hell is your problem?! It’s been a year! Get over it already! Because it’s so helpful, right? NOT!
Okay. Got that out of the way. Here are the tools I found to be the most effective and they are part of my daily practices.
Therapy Enlisting the services of a skill therapist is, in my opinion, the most important thing to do. I’m not talking about well-intended pastors or other spiritual leaders who lack the training of a licensed mental health professional. Ditto for your coffee klatch. (Certainly, there is a place for loving support like from these sources, but it’s not a therapy alternative.)
Finding the right therapist is also important. You can start by getting recommendations from trusted friends. Your insurance coverage may limit your options, so try to be patient as you explore options.
Ask about what modalities they use and do a little reading to see what grabs your attention. The right therapist with the right approach is key.
For instance, I found an woman in her early 70s who is hands down one of the best therapists I’ve ever worked with. There was instant rapport when we met (and this was after a few email exchanges.)
Additionally, she is trained in Internal Family Services (IFS) aka “Parts Therapy” as well as EMDR (Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing).
Those two treatments are most effective for me. I especially like EMDR because it is like a power tool in how it can shift horrible memory triggers into a neutral memory. I am always amazed at how encouraged I feel after a session of EMDR. And the work that is done has lasting benefit.
If you are struggling with physical health conditions, such as fibromyalgia or migraines, check out somatic therapy. This approach encompasses mind-body healing and explores the connection between trauma and how it affects your body.
During my darkest days, it didn’t surprise me to feel a spike of fibromyalgia pain and IBS. Learning to recognize physical sensations as a source of wisdom is incredibly beneficial. (Like noticing how you get a migraine every time the boss steps into your office.)
Books I am a voracious reader, so books are always a go-to. And there are so many that are helpful. My top two that I recommend are Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford and The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, MD. The Ford book helped me see divorce in a positive light. This was especially helpful in addressing the shame that I felt in having a “failed marriage.”
While Dr. Mate’s book isn’t specifically about divorce, his wholistic look at the connection between trauma and illness is germane. Especially if you’re dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. And yes, PTSD due to infidelity is real.
If you are dealing with stress related health issues, (who doesn’t when going through divorce?) I recommend The Great Pain Deception by Steve Ozanich. Developing a chronic pain syndrome is not uncommon after major emotional upset. Steve’s book is a powerful read on the impact of chronic pain and/or other chronic conditions. Best of all, he walks you through the steps to healing. (Including emotional healing!)
Not a reader? That’s okay! Consider audiobooks or podcasts by the authors. Youtube has countless resources as well.
Engage in Something You Love It’s so easy to go dark emotionally when you’re in so much pain. I felt like Sisyphus, the Mythological figure who was doomed to rolling a boulder up an endless hill. The energy to just get through the day was challenging. I felt like I was becoming a hollowed-out husk of my former self. I was so focused on trying to make the pain go away that I lost sight of anything that could gladden my heart.
What you say? Gladden my heart? For me, the thought of fun felt disingenuous. When you’re rolling a boulder uphill, ain’t no time for such frippery! Losing any possibility of lightheartedness blocks the healing that fun can bring.
For me, I rediscovered my love of music and resumed playing keyboard and guitar. In the years leading up to my divorce, music became a casualty. Re-engaging with the language of music helped me process feelings that were oh so raw. Nothing like pounding out a song in a minor key when the sadness feels unbearable.
I got a subscription to Spotify as well and assembled playlists for different moods. I have lists for when I need to have a good cry, another list to blow off anger, and my “happy” playlist. The divorce playlist was especially cathartic. It also helped me see that cheating spouses and divorce are more common than I realized, as evidenced by the abundance of songs around this theme.
The saying, when words fail, music speaks is true!
Life Coaching Being a certified life coach myself, I understand the value coaching brings. Coaching differs from therapy because it focuses on your strengths and the future.
Coaching can be a great compliment to therapy. Therapy helps you heal the past; coaching focuses on your future. Be sure to let your therapist and coach know you are doing both.
Again, don’t try to rush the healing process. Your therapist and/or any prospective coach may help you see if the time is right for coaching.
One thing I love about coaching is it reminds the person about their previous victories and their strengths. Then it helps the client map out their course of action and holds them accountable for their self-stated goals.
Spiritual Direction is like life coaching in that both utilize deep listening and reflects back to the client the inner wisdom that every person has. (Even if you don’t feel like it!) Spiritual direction offers companionship for those desiring a deeper spiritual walk and even for those who don’t adhere to any particular faith traditions. Existential questions are part of the human experience.
I have worked with a spiritual director for several years and am so grateful for the support it has given me, especially since I started deconstructing my former life as an evangelical. My expanded views on God/High Power have opened up new worlds to me. I have found God to be more gracious, kind and loving that my previous religious paradigm. Spiritual direction through my divorce helped me release the toxic views I formally held. (Such as viewing divorce as a sin or a moral shortcoming.)
These tools don’t provide a quick and dirty hack through the tears, panic attacks, and anger.
Does the pain ever go away? I don’t know. The grief still waxes and wanes as I build my new life. I don’t expect grief to disappear completely. I know this because of the grief I’ve experienced over the years with the death of my parents and two of my siblings. Grief never disappears, it just becomes integrated.
But by using these tools, it will help you to find the treasure that is hidden deep within the pain.
Ready to hear about the gifts I’ve found? Stick around! This is what I discuss in my next article.
Please share with anyone you know who may find this helpful. And if you’d like to support my work, you can click here. Interested in Life Coaching or Spiritual Direction? I am accepting new clients and would love to work with you!
