Forgiving the Unforgivable

Moving Forward After Infidelity and Divorce

Introduction-Forgiveness Can Be a Life Raft

When my then-husband confessed his infidelity, some of the first words out of my mouth were “I forgive you.” While I like to consider myself a forgiving person, I suspect it was shock that powered my statement. My history of trauma and codependency means my default setting is the path of least resistance when faced with relational difficulties. Smooth things over. Minimize. Don’t throw any fuel on the fire. Just back up sloooowly and no one gets hurt.

Later, as I took in the breadth and depth of the damage, I realized I must cling to forgiveness as though it were a raft. Think white water rafting, class V (shit-yore-pants) rapids.

But how does one stay the forgiveness course when emotions are whipping every which way and with each mouthful of water, the thought of giving up and drowning sounds like blessed relief?

Forgiveness isn’t just some airy fairy ideal. The need to forgive and the need to receive forgiveness is hard wired into us because we are social creatures. We need one another. But yet we will hurt one another at times. Sometimes unintentionally. What really sucks is when it’s done intentionally.

Oh, I know. While there can certainly be a revenge motive in infidelity, betrayers would argue that it was never about hurting the spouse. They just got carried away. They didn’t know what to do with their pain. They were bored and wanted some excitement. And that old classic- my wife doesn’t understand me.

I cry bullshit on any justification and/or reasoning. Infidelity is a choice. And to choose infidelity is a choice to wound your partner and family by default.

I’m a down-to-earth kinda girl and like practical illustrations for concepts like forgiveness. Especially when angry wants to take control.

Here are some things I’m learning.

What Does Forgiveness Look Like Practically?

You Process ALL THE Emotions-Especially anger. My religious background did a great job of training me to “be nice.” Worse, anger was considered a sin and regarded as something needing forgiveness.

What a pile of steaming bovine scatology. There are no bad emotions. To shut them down is to shut down your humanity. And trust me, those emotions will eventually burst onto the surface at the most inopportune time. Or it will affect your physical health.

Feeling revengeful? Wanna throat punch? Cry and scream? These feelings are entirely NORMAL. It’s what you do with these feelings that can hinder or further your healing. A good friend with a listening ear is good for support-but there is a limit before they start hiding behind the sofa when you ring the doorbell. Nor do they have the professional skills to help you navigate the minefield without getting blown up.

I would also caution against counseling with pastors or other religious helpers if they are lacking proper mental health training, complete with initials after their names. (And I’m not talking about a spurious coaching qualification or some impressive sounding title.) The intentions may be good, but the risk of damage can be high. (Like the time, I wish to God I was making this up, a young woman reported a sexual assault only to be admonished by church leadership to forgive the perpetrator.)

Spiritual support has been critical in my healing, but it is not a substitute for my work in therapy. I am grateful my therapist is also a deeply spiritual woman, so I benefit from the intersection of faith and therapy.

You Let Go of Resentment-This does not mean downplaying the hurt. It is a decision that you, not your emotions, are going to take the driver’s seat. It is intentionally releasing the urge for revenge. This includes replaying the incidents repeatedly as well as imagining terrible future happenings to the perpetrator.

I was giving this topic a think the other day and thought of this analogy. If you had a cat, would you be angry at it for sleeping a good chunk of the day? Would you grow resentful of the way it demands to be fed in the morning-at 5am? Meow! (Okay, I understand this can be a little annoying, but just roll with it, eh?)

Would you be resentful of the cat for behaving… like a cat?

Of course not.

It’s like the idea of hanging on to resentment. Wishing a cat would start behaving like a dog is like wishing you could change the past. The past is the past. Resentment is by nature, doh, resentful. Nothing good will come of it.

Furthermore, when your husband has taken a different path and you feel you don’t recognize him anymore, you must give up comparing him to the way he was in happier days. Many women say it’s like their husband went through a personality change. This was my experience and the reason it was so hard to reconcile this kind, gentle man I had known with one who would betray me. Brooding on those changes will only fuel more resentment.

While I will always believe in redemption and hope for change, there is also a place for seeing things where they are right now, as they are, and accepting them as so. Sure, keep the faith. But don’t replace it with rose color glasses and wishful thinking.

Redefine or Create New Boundaries-Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying in the marriage, nor does it mean allowing hurtful words or treatment after divorce. It is time to redefine what your boundaries are or if you’ve not had boundaries; it is time to build some.

I am so grateful my kids were adults when all our drama was going down because I realize how complicated things can become with minor children. Especially if one partner is trying to punish the other through the kids. (How reprehensible!)

You must identify the old triggers and find new ways to respond to those triggers. Old habits are hard to break. Especially after a long marriage and the deep familiarity it brings. We know how to push each other’s buttons.

It’s now time to think of different strategies. It’s time to recognize the buttons and disable them. And once again, I’m going to point to therapy. There are also many books on this topic that may help you as well.

As a PS to this category, your situation may require boundaries in the form of legal action. (Especially if there are minor children.) If hiring an attorney is not within the realm of possibilities for you, I urge you to look at agencies that provide attorney services pro bono.

Self-Care is Your Priority

Focus on Your Own Healing-It is time for you to focus on you and your needs. Start with a wellness visit to your doctor. Get an appointment for the overdue dental exam. Eye exam-yup, that too.

You’ve already heard me talk about therapy, but this is part of the healing process, so I’m repeating here. Support groups can also be a great help as well. I understand the desire to isolate and lick your wounds, but healing does not happen in isolation. We need connection with others. Suffering is bad enough. Suffering alone is even worse.

If spirituality is important to you, as it is to me, this too may need healing. Especially if the dissolution of your marriage is deemed a moral failure and the result of your lack of faith. I consider myself an “exvangelical” after being in that world for much of my life and seeing the destruction black and white religious thinking brought. The world of grace and abundance that has opened to me as I have stepped away from such a small worldview has brought much healing to me.

Along those lines. This is the time to cultivate self-compassion like never before. This will take patience and practice because most of us are so used to having a negative script playing in our heads 24/7. Instead of, “Well, if you weren’t such a fuckup, you wouldn’t be in this mess” replace it with, “Wow, this was a really painful thing you are going through. I am so sorry for your pain.” Any messages you are telling yourself that are negative or critical are not your friends. They are not trying to help you. Reject them. No one ever gets brow beaten into wholeness. Train yourself to practice self-kindness and compassion.

I also remind myself of what I AM doing right and celebrate small victories… like not losing my shit over something that would have set me off a year ago.

Fun is Serious Business-Don’t forget to add fun to your life. It’s so easy to get focused on heavy topics and emotions. Be intentional about pursuing things you’ve enjoyed in the past and/or learn some new hobbies. Meet new people. Creativity can bring so much healing.

Dirty some paint brushes on a canvas. Learn how to knit or cook. Take up the instrument you’ve always wanted to learn. Sign up for a weekend survival camp. Explore a Hindu temple. Go to the comedy club for improv night. ANYTHING!

It’s a big wide world out there, but it’s easy to lose sight of that when pain has driven you into a small, myopic dark cave of existence. It’s time to open up the shutters and let the sun shine in. You may just discover a love for something you never even knew existed.

Envision Your Future-The reward for your hard work is here. Similar to how a closed fist cannot receive, so it is with your energy. If your emotional bandwidth is consumed with anger and regret, there will be no space for a new life. You must open both your hands and your heart.

You are the author of your life and your story isn’t finished. A new chapter is unfolding. And yes, it was an unexpected plot twist, but now you can look at it with expectancy and dare I say… hope?

Of course, these efforts may be in fits and starts as your new life unfolds. Especially if your identity was wrapped up in your decade’s long marriage, like I was.

This might be an excellent time for you to work with a coach. Unlike therapy, coaching takes a strength-based approach and is focused on the future and moving forward. It is not a substitute for therapy, but can be used alongside therapy. (Be sure to let both the therapist and coach know.)

Coaching is a power tool for vision casting and can help you answer the “what’s next?” question.

As a certified coach myself, I am often filled with gratitude when I see a client develop a plan of action and then the magic part… they take action. (Another power tool in the coaches’ bag ‘o’ tricks is accountability. After all, what good is a plan that is not worked?)

I consider coaching sacred work, especially when I consider the hard, inner work that is required in order to move forward.

If you are curious about coaching, here’s a thumbnail on it.

Conclusion-Forgiveness is an Ongoing Journey

You know this already. Forgiveness is not a one and done. And I understand the emotional weariness in thinking, oh my god, will I ever move past this?

Yes, you will, dear one. And as you stay the course, it gets easier. The more you flex the forgiveness muscles, the more it becomes muscle memory.

Will there be a trigger that pops up years later? Hell, yes. That is the Universe informing you of the need for more love and healing in an area. And it can also serve as a reminder to tell yourself that you are safe. The past is in the past, along with the relationship that deeply wounded you.

Your future is unwritten. Grab a cuppa and your favorite pen and turn the page. This is your story. You are the author. Now, write.

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