Just How Severe Was the Infidelity?

Understanding the Different Levels of Betrayal

Introduction -

I was once happily ignorant of infidelity and all its psychological implications and the damage it inflicts on the betrayed. Over the years, I’ve watched some dear friends go through infidelity and while I felt compassion for them, I truly never understood just how devastating it is to experience being cheated on. Especially after a long marriage.

I did what I often do when I am dealing with difficulty. I read. I think it’s a distraction technique that I’ve used in order to avoid the pain of a shattered heart.

If I could just understand what went wrong. What do the statistics say? How do other women survive? And just how bad was it, anyway? I mean, after all, I “only” experienced an emotional affair and then one whole enchilada affair with another woman later.

It seems not so bad when compared to a woman who discovers her husband has another family that he’s kept under wraps for decades. Or the serial cheater who ends up gifting the wife with STDs- the range of which can be literally life -threatening. (Like HPV, which causes cervical cancer.)

If you have been cheated on, I am so very sorry. It hurts like hell. And I know there are a multitude of questions spinning and clanking around in your head like an out-of-balance washing machine.

Ultimately, the BIG question is,

Do you stay or go?

It looks like it just needs a simple yes or no answer. But for most of us, it’s not that simple. (Exception: Abusive situations. Run. Now.)

The multitude of factors is dizzying. Which is why it is important to, as much as you can do so objectively, look at the degree of severity of the infidelity.

I want to emphasize however that just because betrayal may seem “minor” compared to other extremes, there is no corresponding “heartbreak scale” that can accurately reflect the level of devastation even if the indiscretion was “only” from kissing a coworker at the drunken office party.

And while I’m not suggesting you compare your situation to someone else’s; it is helpful to see an overview of the spectrum of betrayal and how that might better inform your decision.

First, What Constitutes Infidelity?

I grabbed the American Heritage Dictionary definition. I am only quoting the definitions as it pertains to marriage.

1. Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.

2. An act of sexual unfaithfulness.

3. Lack of fidelity or loyalty.

4. Unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; violation of the marriage covenant by adultery.

5. Unfaithfulness in marriage: practice or instance of having a sexual or romantic affair with someone other than one’s spouse, without the consent of the spouse.

Seems fairly cut and dried. But not so fast. Because infidelity isn’t about sex with someone outside your marriage.

Infidelity also includes online relationships and emotional affairs. Wrapped up in all this is are several micro betrayals delivered with each lie and denial. But I’m going to focus on the presenting behavior only.

Ready? Let’s go!

Degrees of Infidelity

Minor Flirting-Often viewed as harmless because it’s just in good fun, right? And besides, there’s no sex, so just STFU and get over it.

Not so fast! Flirting with someone who is not your spouse can damage the healthiest of marriages by creating feelings of insecurity and self-doubt in the partner. Not to mention fear of betrayal. Left unchecked, it’s an invitation to further erosion.

The sorta good news? Minor flirting can serve as a wake-up call for your marriage. And the repairs needed here are much easier to heal at this stage. It’s critical to work on communication and to discuss the use of boundaries.

Emotional Affairs-We’re talking about building an emotional bond outside your marriage. It’s a sexless affair. And this was my first experience of infidelity and it was devastating. He met someone through work and became infatuated with her. Our relationship continued to crumble, but even worse was the growing contempt I tolerated. I realized by the criticism he lobbed at me I was not like her. I was being compared and didn’t have a (more youthful) leg to stand on. And then to see him all happy when she would text him after giving me cross looks. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

It went on for over a year and my attempts to discuss it were met with stonewalling. I eventually demanded he remove her contact information from his phone (they no longer worked together) but that did not last long.

I learned he had proposed taking the relationship “to the next level,” only to be rejected. She made it clear he was strictly a friend. When I confronted him about this, he denied it. (And stuck to maintaining the lie until D-Day, which came several months later.)

Ya wanna peak into my fucked-up thought processes? I actually felt pity for him over being rejected because I know this man has a sensitive heart at his core.

And talk about more fucked up thought processes. The temptation to gaslight one’s self is strong. The swirl of conflicting thoughts created a cyclone of more pain.

Certainly, I was misinformed. Certainly, this man I’ve known and loved would NEVER do such a thing. He was just going through a midlife crisis. It’s not that bad.

OMFG. It WAS that bad. All this to underscore emotional infidelity is a big hairy ass deal. And if the marriage is to survive, therapy is a must.

I am not alone in how strongly I feel about this. A YouGov study found that among 1,000 adults, 60% of women said emotional infidelity is worse than physical cheating.

There must be accountability for the straying spouse as well. I.e., you should be free to check his phone anytime without being treated like the spawn of Satan. It is reasonable to request a change in employment also if they work together. Insist that any other points of contact with the person end, no matter how innocent looking it may seem.

Physical Affairs-On top of all the bullshit above, the betrayed spouse has now descended into Dante’s 8th level of hell. (There are 9, but I’m saving that level for the serial cheaters.)

Not only is there the emotional fallout, there is now concern for sexually transmitted diseases and for some women, the devastation of finding out their spouse is a baby daddy with another woman or women.

The breach of trust is multi-layered and breathtaking. For approximately five months, he would look me in the eye and lie. Working late? Nope! He was enjoying his booty calls with a woman 10 years my junior. I did not know while it was going on. And talk about feeling like a chump.

Can your relationship survive this? That depends. Are you both willing to submit to intensive couples and individual therapy? Is the betrayer willing to show genuine remorse through complete transparent accountability? Are you willing to look deep within at yourself at what you’ve contributed to the marital breakdown that paved a way to infidelity? (I’m saying that last question with great sensitivity because no one party is ever solely to blame for marriage issues. And let me be clear, even if you were a total bitch of a partner, no one deserves betrayal. Never.)

Statistically speaking, infidelity is a leading cause of divorce despite the statistic that 53% of couples stay together after infidelity.

For those who enter therapy, 76% can stay together according to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. Only 15% will recover without professional help.

If you choose to stay in the relationship, there is much work to be done and there is no set timeline or path to “all’s is well now.” So be patience, both with yourself and your partner.

Serial Cheating-Welcome to the 9th level of hell. Here, cheating is a lifestyle, often without remorse. They go from one fling to another in their selfish quest for excitement and the thrill of forbidden fruit. Or perhaps they are a sex addict.

The saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t a universal truth, but there are certainly indications suggest some validity to the statement. And of course, the factors that contribute to habitual cheating are many.

I’ve met some women who have been married to serial philanders, and the damage is heartbreaking. One woman discovered all her lady bits were scarred over from STDs, leaving her unable to bear children.

Is there healing possible in this situation? Can someone truly transform from such toxic behaviors?

I absolutely believe there is ALWAYS the possibility of growth and change. I believe in redemption.

The better question to ask, however, are they WILLING to change? Are they willing to do the inner work required for that change? And are you willing to be along for the ride because it’s going to take a hella long time.

Sadly, I think the answer to that is more often than not, no. But every situation is unique.

I’ve heard more than one woman declare their love, commitment, and belief that their spouse will stop cheating and turn their hearts toward home again.

I held onto this belief even though it wasn’t serial infidelity in my case. But regardless, it is a belief I have had to reexamine.

Is my love and commitment, even after being so deeply wounded, the real deal… or is it the ideal I’ve clung to despite evidence to the contrary? It was shocking to myself to realize I had been clinging to ideals. Not that there wasn’t genuine love and concern for him, because there was and is.

I would also tell myself that he still loved me despite the egregious behavior. Um no. Love doesn’t bring intentional harm. I was trying to build a fantasyland of Happily Ever After, even though that ship had already sailed.

I had to accept that fact that no matter how hard I believed we could turn things around; it was useless without his unwavering recommitment.

And this is when I realized it was a gift to myself and to him to divorce. I had tried to wish away the signs, but it was clear it was over between us.

I don’t envy the decisions you may be facing if your spouse is a habitual cheater. And once again, I encourage you to get into therapy to help you see things more clearly. From there, you can make your decision.

Conclusion-Hope for Healing After Infidelity

I am so sorry if you are dealing with infidelity. No matter the level, it is, I believe, one of the deepest soul wounds a person can receive. Especially if the marriage at one time was filled with love and trust.

Please take action. I know the initial shock can paralyze, but after that settles down, there is work to be done, starting with yourself. I realized my how my views were skewered and unhealthy through therapy.

Finally, make forgiveness your ultimate aim. I would also admonish you to resist the temptation to shit talk. Even if he is an impenitent dirt bag. Even if you are fully justified. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. If you have kids, it is a gift for them as well.

The thought of forgiveness may seem impossible when the pain levels are so high and that is okay. It is a process. And a necessary part of healing.

But with time, you will heal. And by choosing to stay on the healing path it will eventually lead you to a wiser and more peaceful life.

I wish for you much love, grace and peace.

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