Yes, I Have Trust Issues

Infidelity’s Lasting Parting Gifts

Introduction-Recovering From Infidelity is Like Recovering From Cancer

It’s been over four years since my then-husband confessed his infidelity to me. I had known about the emotional affair from the year previous to that (I consider that the “warm-up act”) but to learn of a full-on affair with a yoga buddy utterly gob smacked me.

I’m sure my vital signs would have reflected as much. The stress hormone dump created a whirlwind of physical and emotional sensations. It was a moment forever time-stamped on my nervous system that delineated my life. Before infidelity. After infidelity. There is no going back.

Through therapy and a shit-ton of ongoing inner work, the hair on fire state of being that I lived with for the first year after or so, has quieted down. I no longer sob in stores when I am reminded of something. And the cathartic (and vitriolic) divorce playlist I complied has gone unplayed for some time. The need to wail with Walker Wheeler on “Fuck You Bitch” just isn’t there anymore, though the song still brings an amused smile to my face.

So yay, me, right? Let’s break out the streamers and have an I’m So Over It party!

Um. Not so fast. The aftermath of infidelity is not unlike cancer recovery.

Going through cancer treatment is something I would never wish for anyone. It is a slo-mo trauma of anxious waiting, surgeries, poison infusions into your veins, and so much more fun. (Thankfully, I didn’t need radiation.)

After active treatment, there is a collective sigh of relief. But for the cancer patient, the healing process is just now getting started. Looking in from the outside, people are clueless about the next herculean task a cancer survivor must attend to. They may even be relieved that the drama is over because cancer is an ordeal for the loved ones as well. They are all better now. Let’s get back to normal! (Hysterical burst of laughter here.)

My oncologist advised me that recovering from cancer treatment is not unlike being in a major car accident. It would take a year or longer, she said. Having been in a near-fatal car accident once upon a time, I could glimpse the reality check she offered.

But it still didn’t prepare me for the full spectrum of that truth.

My body has been changed permanently. And I’m not just talking about the scars that parade across my chest from a double boobectomy and a port placement.

Long-term effects of chemo bring other unwelcomed physical challenges. The mental and emotional aftermath is a whole nudder topic, but I don’t want to head into the weeds here because the topic is infidelity.

The scars left from infidelity aren’t as clear cut. Sure, you could measure stress hormones and see their impact upon blood pressure, but these wounds are unseen from another person’s viewpoint. It can even be hard to spot, even for the one suffering in the middle of it.

Identifying the triggers can be tricky, especially the ones that come out of the blue with a “where the hell did that come from?” Then there are other times when I am just perplexed by the new me. She seems to have some additional issues. (Bloody hell, it’s not like I didn’t have a pile of them previously!)

Triangulating what seems like disjointed reactions to a common source has been enlightening me. And I can see how this common source, i.e., this one huge issue, has colored my outlook in many ways. And that is this:

The loss of trust.

This is the scar across my soul. This is my slow-to-heal aftermath of betrayal. I am reminded of this daily. And it explains to myself why I continue to live at DEFCON 1 many days. Okay, maybe some days, it softens into a 2 or 3. But for a cancer survivor, it is a stressor I endeavor to rid myself of in order to reduce the very real risk of recurrence.

Understanding how betrayal impacts trust and how that translates into real life is further helping me heal.

Why does betrayal cut so deep? I’m so glad you asked.

Why Infidelity Erodes Trust

Betrayal by an intimate life partner is heartbreaking. Everything you thought you once knew about that person and every.single.fucking. previous experience is now called into question. Even what was once considered the happiest day in your life, the wedding, now has a shadow cast over it. What were the warning signs I missed? Did he truly love me back then?

Any sense of security is shattered. If the person you trusted most in life throws you under the bus, how can you trust anyone else? Like, ever? I try to believe the best in people. I understand that even on their best days, good people can do stupid things. I can do stupid things.

But now I see how people can intentionally, and with full knowledge of their behaviors, inflict harm on those closest to them. Sure, this is business as usual in politics. But in a marriage, it’s devastating. Especially after doing so much work to heal the effects of a traumatized childhood where I often felt unsafe.

The self-doubt is one of the hardest things to heal. I find it ironic that for many women, one of the first questions asked after disclosure is, “how could I have been so blind/stupid not to see this coming?”

We blame ourselves. Then we wonder what we may have done to drive our spouse into the arms of another woman. Did I do something? What did I fail to do? And the bigly one, WHY?

I am all for self-reflection and doing a post-mortem on a failed relationship, but these questions will never have a satisfactory answer. And besides, these questions seem to insinuate that I was at fault for his choices. Nothing can be further from the truth.

He chose to have an affair. It was not my fault.

And if you are on the receiving end of infidelity, it is not your fault either. To suggest so is to tell a rape victim her skirt was too short and warranted the attack. (Not so fun fact. When I was brutally assaulted at 13, my manner of dress was called into question. I was wearing jeans and a turtleneck. We seem to be addicted to our tendency to blame the women.)

I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons betrayal puts trust into a wood chipper. But let’s talk about how trust issues appear after infidelity.

What Trust Issues Look Like After Infidelity

Hyper-Vigilance-Oh yes. I resemble that remark. Even before this major breech of trust, I’ve been high strung. Again, thank you, childhood trauma. And even before disclosure, I was on high alert because, even though I didn’t know what was taking place right underneath my nose, my intuition knew. But when the mind can’t get around such an egregious act, our bodies will attempt to alert us.

I know for me; my subconscious was continually scanning for signs of a lie. I am still in a state of readiness at all times to pounce on anything that may threaten my well-being. And it’s not just about people either. From making sure a business refunds a credit that’s due to scrutinizing a new insurance agency to make sure it won’t screw me over, I exhaust myself. And that I see it and still struggle with it frustrates me even more. Just calm the fuck down, I tell myself.

Narrator: Theresa has never calmed the fuck down when told to calm the fuck down.

Through therapy, exercise, and mindfulness practices, I am slowly defusing this emotional time bomb. But I’ll be candid. I think this will be a cross I bear for the rest of my life, so I am learning to make my peace with not being Little Miss Optimist.

Guardedness with Other Relationships-Oh, this one is especially painful. Especially when my loving partner, Tom, gently reminds me he is not my former spouse. You can trust me, he says. I will never betray you.

Such assurances make me feel like a sobbing/hiccupping toddler who is told that yes, you can have that cookie. Only I’m sobbing for reassurance.

Thankfully, he totally gets what I am going through, maybe even more so. His wife of nearly 3 decades was a serial cheater.

This is truly one of those, “it’s not you, it’s me” sort of things. I am grateful he understands this and continues to support my healing.

Wanting Reassurance-And yet another effect that I beat myself up over.

That annoying narrator again: Why do you have to be so damn needy, T?

I am old enough to know that life comes with only one guarantee-death. (Okay, will concede taxes for those of us who aren’t billionaires.) But yet, I, a grown-ass woman, want to be told everything will be all right.

Just tell me everything will be all right. Play “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”. Tell me the cancer will never return. That I will never again be betrayed in such a catastrophic way.

Uh huh. Right. Lord, help my unbelief. And help me not to lose my freaking mind with worry.

Difficulty Trusting Intuition-My intuition tried to capture my attention during our final years together. The volume kept getting turned up on health issues. Even a nightmare tried to seize my attention. I can’t remember the particulars of the horrible dream (thank goodness) but I woke up KNOWING he was seeing another woman.

Then I dismissed it. He would never do such a thing.

You would think looking back I can see how my intuition was trying to help. And instead of realizing that I CAN trust my gut, I question things even more. Yet another paradox that confuses the hell outta me.

I am reacquainting myself with my intuition now. I believe it is part of the God spark that we all have. So, in a way, I am learning to trust God/The Universe/Source in new ways. It’s a slow process to rebuild but am grateful that infinite love and patience is also included with that God spark. It is at the core of our being.

Conclusion-There is More to Cover!

Just when I feel like I’ve tackled one mountain, the view from the top reveals yet another climb is up ahead. It’s the nature of life. But even more so when there is trauma to heal.

Yes, you can stay stuck like an ancient bug immortalized in amber. But if you’re still reading my words, I suspect you desire better for your one and only precious life. Especially if there are kids to consider.

I’m going to continue on this topic in my next article and will cover how to heal these areas, starting with the internal struggles and then how to navigate trust issues in future relationships. (Including your relationship with yourself!)

It’s time to transform this unwelcome parting gift into a shining tribute to your resilience.

See you again soon!

Thank you for reading and sharing. Please share with anyone you know who may find this helpful. Care to support my work? You can click here. Tips are not expected but deeply appreciated!

Grab a free subscription to my Substack Newsletter, Decluttering ADHD.

Interested in working with me for life coaching or spiritual direction? I would love to hear from you! Click here.